Do you find that you’re continually telling your kids what to do? Brush your teeth, put your plate away, make your bed, don’t forget your hat, put on your shoes…sometimes the list feels endless.
I don’t know what it is about putting on shoes but I used to have battles with both my kids to put their shoes on. I remember one time screaming at Jake to put his shoes on because I had told him, maybe ten times to do it, and he hadn’t. He was playing or getting distracted or pretending he didn’t know how. Then I lost it, he burst into tears and his shoes still weren’t on. I’m sure the neighbours must have thought I was balmy yelling about shoes! Before I became a mom I would never thought that I could end up screaming about something so trivial.
After I thought about what had happened and I was shocked that I had exploded over such a easy thing but as any parent knows it’s the easy things that trip you up. The positive out of all of that was that I knew there had to be a better way.
I started off by asking Jake to put his shoes on and then just expecting him to do it. I refused to repeatedly tell him what to do. That helped but it wasn’t quite enough. Then I started asking him what he needed to do to get ready and after a short period of time, bingo! He got that going out meant shoes on. Sure there was the odd grumble but nothing like before.
If you’re exhausted of being your child’s personal alarm then try asking them questions instead. Questions like ‘what do you need to do to get ready?’ if you’re going out somewhere. Or ‘what do you do after you’ve completed your dinner?’ when they get up and walk away from the dinner table with their plate and glass sitting where they left them. Or ‘do you have everything you need?’ when they are about to start their homework or go outside and play ball.
What is the difference between these two approaches? Well the first means you have to do all the thinking and all your child has to do is follow your instructions (it’s surprising how difficult that sometimes can seem for your child!). Don’t get me wrong there’s a time and place for straight out instructions but in many instances there’s a better way and that way is by asking questions in order to get your child to think for themselves about what they’re doing and what they need to do next. If you consistently use this strategy then over time you will not even need to ask the question to prompt them into action. They will just do what needs to be done. No, really, it does work. Give it a try, you might be surprised.
I’ve been following the ask, don’t tell strategy for some time now with my two boys and ok, we do have the odd hiccough in the system but on the whole it works well and saves me the endless round of rote orders.
The best evidence I’ve that it works is that when we are getting ready in the morning and I tell them I’m going upstairs to brush my teeth they know that’s their cue to put on their shoes, collect their bags and lunch boxes and strap themselves into the vehicle. Then I come down and off we go. It makes getting out the door soooo much easier.
There’s still the odd drama about which shoe goes on which foot or delays while they negotiate which toys to choose and take with them in the car but even in amongst all that, it is still a dramatically streamlined routine compared to what it was and as a result, the odd fuss can be easily accommodated and rarely escalates to a stand off.
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译文:
提问而不是警告：怎样让孩子自己考虑事情？
你发现你自己正在不断地告诉你的孩子要做什么了吗？比如要刷牙，要放好碟子，收拾床铺，不要忘了戴帽子，穿鞋子等等，有时候这样的嘱咐常常是无休止的。
我不知道穿鞋这件事情重要性有多大，但是我常常因此而和两个孩子开战。我记得有一次我朝杰克叫嚣，叫他把鞋穿上，因为我已经不下十次告诉过他穿鞋，可他不予理睬。他要么在玩，要么心不在焉，要么就是装着不知道怎么做。而我就变得有些失控似地歇斯底里，杰克的眼泪一涌而出，但是他还是没有穿上。我敢说邻居们一定以为我是在冲鞋子大吼大叫呢！在我成为妈妈之前我从来没有想过我会停止对一些琐碎小事歇斯底里。当我回想已经发生的一切后，我感到震惊，我竟然为了那么一点小事情而大发雷霆，而任何父母都清楚那样做是没有用的。所有的这一切应该有一个更好的解决办法。
从叫杰克穿鞋开始，我只是提醒他一次，而不会反复地警告他要做什么，这样做有一定效果但是后来发现还远远不够。于是我开始问他有些什么需要准备的，一段时间后，当他外出时就记得要穿鞋了，当然他也会像以前一样嘟哝几句，但是除此外就没有其他不满了。
如果你正在为不断地给孩子个人警告而劳心费神的话，那么不妨换一种方式以提问的形式代替警告。比如在你们外出的时候就问“你还有什么要准备的吗？”，或者是在他们不收拾留在桌子上的盘子和杯子而起身离开餐桌时问“饭后你们要做些什么呢？”，或者是在他们既要做作业、又要外出打球时问“你每件事情都需要做吗？等等诸如此类的问题。
那么警告和提问这两种方式有什么不同呢？第一种方式意味着必须做，你孩子必须按照你的指令和想法去做（这在孩子看来有时是件很困难的事情！），指令里直接明确时间和地点，而且不允许有犯错误。而事实上除了这种直接下指令的方式外，在很多场合还有更好的方法来解决，比如以询问的方式让孩子自己动脑思考马上要做什么，下一步需要做什么。如果你一贯用这样的策略，随着时间的推移以后你甚至不用问，也会促使他们付诸行动。他们会主动地去做必须做的事情。这样试试看，你会有意想不到的收获。
现在我对两个孩子大多数时间都不再下达指令，而是采取询问的方式。虽然在实施中我们有些零零碎碎的磕碰但是总的说来这种方法还不错，把我从无休止的反复的下达命令中解脱出来。
最显著的例子就是早晨我们做出门准备。我告诉他们我要上楼刷牙了，他们就知道这是暗示他们要穿上鞋，收拾包裹和饭盒并捆扎好放到车上，然后我就下来关上门就走。这样使得出门就容易多了。
尽管还是会出现哪只脚该穿哪只鞋这样的琐事，或者由于商议拣哪些玩具带上车而耽误时间的情况，但是较之前明显地像例行公事的简化了流程。这样琐碎的忙乱状态很容易就解决了，而且很少陷入僵局。