I’m currently going through a relationship breakup and when I first started to go through it I found myself in total despair on an emotional level. This was in part through fear because just six months earlier I had experienced exactly the same thing and spiralled out of control so badly that I ended up taking an overdose. When my new relationship ended I was terrified of ending up the same way, or worse. So I decided to seek help to get me over the worst. In this post I want to share some of what I have experienced and what has helped me.
Your Problems Are Real
I recently talked about my situation on my blog and one of the comments left was simply “give me a break”. When you have an objective point of view it is very easy to compare one problem to another and think of one in terms of being worse than the other. I’m sure the poster of that comment would have seen the breakup of a relationship as unimportant or trivial and now that I am somewhat removed from the situation I can see that it is. I have my health, my family, everything to live for and a bright future ahead of me.
However I can say that now, but that is not how I felt when I was in the midst of despair and this is a very important concept. I remember suffering from depression years ago on several occasions and knowing that there are millions of other people worse off than me didn’t help at all – it just made me feel guilty for feeling bad which simply added to the despair.
There is a sliding scale of emotions and when you find yourself at the bottom of that scale, well meaning comments such as those above by friends, family etc simply do not help. Don’t listen to them – your problems matter to you and they are important. Allow yourself to feel bad, this is perfectly normal.
When You’re In Utter Despair
At the very beginning of my situation I was feeling very bad indeed. I had an intense fear of being physically alone, I was gripped with terrible anxiety, I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t do anything and I simply didn’t know how to get from one minute to the next. Each day was utterly agonizing in an emotional sense and I just didn’t know how to exist in this state.
The very first thing that I did was to call a service called The Samaritans who are a UK-based helpline service. I’ve used them before which is what made me think of ringing them. Outside of the UK is an organisation called Befrienders which provides a similar service.
Both of these services operate a 24 hour telephone helpline that is open to anybody who wants to talk about any kind of problem. They are completely non-judgemental and are simply there to listen. If you are feeling suicidal you must get help straight away and this can be one of the most immediate methods of doing so. Both organisations discuss the issue of suicide on their websites.
I was not feeling suicidal after this second breakup but the panic attacks when I felt alone were overwhelming. Calling the Samaritans partially alleviated the feeling of being alone and I could talk to them for as long as I wanted and this eventually allowed the panic and anxiety to subside.
The Role of Your Doctor
One of the first things that you will be told from any kind of informational website is to seek help from your doctor. Whilst I do agree with this advice the problem with doctors it that it can take time to get an appointment and that doesn’t help you right at the beginning when you are in the midst of your problem.
Call your doctor, arrange an appointment to get the process started but then continue to get help in other ways. In the UK we are entitled to six free counselling sessions in times of crisis and I arranged the first of these but was given an appointment 3 weeks away which I am still waiting for.
Talk, Talk, and Talk Some More
When in emotional turmoil, a common reaction is to go over and over things in our heads, usually with no resolution. The mind needs to try and make sense of the situation but in cases where there is no sense, dealing with this on your own usually makes you feel worse. In my case, the more I thought about my partner, the greater the effect of the anxiety. Not only that, but having it on my mind so much gave me awful nightmares and after each one I would wake up to a panic attack.
This is where it can help to talk to other people because it allows the problem to be projected outside of ourselves. I spent some time with friends and family but the problem with this approach (particularly with friends) is that you may exhaust the friendship somewhat by continuing to talk over and over about the problem. Your friends probably can’t really help you and depending on their outlook, they may be sympathetic or they may offer the less helpful anecdotes such as “oh don’t worry, you’ll be fine” which doesn’t help at this stage.
One of the benefits of ringing a helpline is that you don’t feel guilty about talking to them – that is what they are there for. Also, you’ll often talk to a different person every time so if you end up going over the same thing over and over again it doesn’t matter where as your friends might not appreciate that. In the first few days I spent many hours on the phone to the Samaritans, many times a day and during the night just to get me through those very tough times.
Whilst the Samaritans provided me with all I needed for my situation, there are not the only ones and of course there are a great number of helplines for dealing with specific issues such as bereavement, domestic violence etc. In the resources section I have listed several sites that list helplines and there are more available for just about any country.
If you are unable to access the Internet at this point in crisis then the best place to start looking is your telephone book. In the UK we have local directory of residential number and at the beginning of that book is a list of helpline numbers. However even the Yellow Pages has this same information and should be available in every household.
Getting Through The Day When You Can’t Do a Thing
In the beginning of my crisis I was in so much emotional pain that I couldn’t do anything. This is another time when well meaning comments from friends and family just make the situation worse.
I was told, “just throw yourself into work” and I simply couldn’t! It’s hard to explain the feeling – it’s almost like a paralysis. Even something as simple as getting dressed can seem in some way terrifying. The problem with having this feeling is that I did not know how to get through the day.
Every minute seemed to pass at an excruciatingly slow pace and yet because I couldn’t do anything, there seemed to be no way to speed that up or to get through to the next minute. The first few days before I discovered some distraction techniques were agonising.
When I went through my first breakup I experienced exactly the same thing and this is when I hit my lowest point. This time around I had to try and find a way through this experience. I kept remembering the standard advice that time is a healer so I had to find a way to pass the time without feeling that agony in the hope that as time passed, the feelings would subside.
Passive Distraction
When at this level of feeling, the things you used to do before to pass the time won’t work for you now because almost everything loses its enjoyment factor. Things that you used to enjoy feel meaningless when in this state. For example, I’ve always been a lover of computer games and I’ve whiled away a great many hours on them but when in this severely depressed state I couldn’t play games because it required an action from me and that required me to move from the sofa which I was unable to do.
What I needed was something totally passive – something that would capture my attention without me having to do anything at all. I finally found my solution in television! I’m not suggesting that TV is an effective or healthy method for coping with emotional pain; I am simply relaying my experiences.
I couldn’t watch ordinary TV because it didn’t engage me in any way. For me, what worked was watching some old drama series – “24″ in particular. This was probably not the best choice because of the level of violence but the show was interesting enough to capture my attention so that it successfully distracted me while I watched it.
For a few days, pretty much all I did was curl up on the sofa under my duvet just watching these series. We are always warned of the dangers of television but in my case it was a superb therapy because it simply played at me, taking my mind of my problems without me having to physically do anything.
Active Distraction
One thing I’d like to point out here is that it does get better in time. I don’t know how much better it gets because I’m still in the middle of this and I still have some days where I feel bad for quite a while.
However the agony that I was in a couple of weeks ago has lessened. Even when I feel bad, it’s not as bad as it was then. After a few days on the sofa, something stirred in me and I felt like I could do that little bit more. Not much more, but something more than watching TV. I felt my options opening up a little more and what I did at this point was to turn to the Internet.
I decided that I needed to try and feel good. I turned to YouTube and looked up some funny videos that I had marked as favourites. I had a look through my blog reader and picked out a couple of blogs that used to make me laugh. The Fail Blog is one such example – it doesn’t have a very positive sounding name but I find it very funny. Check it out and see if it fits in with your sense of humour.
Then I started reading blogs such as this one and other blogs that promote well being, positive thoughts, the Law of Attraction and generally make you feel good. I’ve listed a few of these blogs in the resources section.
Coming to Terms With Your Situation
The problem with distraction is that it doesn’t actually help cope with the situation. Repressed feelings come back to bite us in the future one day so it is important that we don’t continue distracting ourselves forever.
I am only just starting with this process myself. I have found myself a private counsellor to speak to and I have also found some blogs that discuss my specific problem – the breakup of a relationship. Finally, I find myself strong enough to actually deal with my feelings and start working through them. A few weeks ago it was far too painful to do but now that I am stronger I feel more able to do this.
The Next Step
I am very fortunate in that I have blog with a large readership and I also have q lot of Twitter followers. I posted about my situation on my blog and I was given a lot of wonderful advice and some people pointed me towards various resources to try out. Also on Twitter I asked my followers if they could recommend resources to make me feel good. This included TV shows to try (as an alternative to the violent 24!), good blogs to read and some other things which I have listed at the end of this post.
This is where I am at right now – I still feel low some of the time and feel the need to just distract myself but I am also exploring some of the resources that people have sent me and I’m actively working through my feelings with the help of a counsellor.
I’m just starting to put my life back together now and although I have a long way to go, I know I am over the worst. I am no longer experiencing that excruciating agony that I was in at the beginning.
I have to leave this post here but I hope that it helps if you ever find yourself in this emotional place.
译文:
绝望时要求助
目前，我正面临着一段关系的破裂。当我第一次经历分手的时候，我发现我自己对感情彻底绝望了。这是可怕的经历。因为早在六个月前，我就已经真真正正地遭遇了，甚至还严重失控到要服用过量药物以结束生命。当我的新恋情结束时，我很害怕自己会用同样的或者更糟糕的方法来结束自己。所以，我决定寻求帮助以结束这些痛苦。在这里，我想和大家分享一下，我的经历和我曾经所获得的帮助。。
你的问题是真是存在的
最近，我在博客里面说到我的现状的时候，有人留言道：“给我一次机会。”当你客观的时候，很容易就看出哪个问题比较糟糕。我敢肯定，留言的主人将来会把失恋看作是一件微不足道的小事。毕竟是我过来人，我知道它就是这么发展的。我拥有健康，家庭，生活目标和前方光明的前途。
虽然现在我这么说，但那并不是我绝望时所感受到的，可这的确是一个很重要的观念。我记得，几年前，我几次处于沮丧失望的境地。当时我就想，成千上万的人要比我惨得多，糟糕的多，但是这样想根本没有用，只是徒增我的负罪感与失望感而已。
情绪有一个波动期。当你情绪跌落谷底的时候，朋友家人的善意言语根本不能帮到什么忙。不要听这些话。你的问题事关你自己并且它们是重要的。允许自己感觉糟糕，这是很正常的。
彻底绝望时
事情刚发生的时候，我的感觉确实糟透了。我极度害怕一个人独处，严重的焦虑占据了我的身心。我睡不着，吃不下，什么都做不了，我甚至不知道究竟怎样才能度过一分一秒。每天都精神焦虑，那时那刻我简直不知道怎么活了。
当时我做的第一件事就是打电话到乐善者――一个英国的服务热线。之前我有咨询过，以致于当时我想到了给他们打电话。英国之外，还有一个名叫“变成朋友”，提供类似服务的机构。
这些服务热线都是全天24小时开通的，服务对象是任何想咨询任何问题的人。他们是不会指责你的，纯粹只是你的听众。要是你觉得自己有自杀的倾向，那么你必须得到直接的帮助。这个就是最直接快捷的方法之一。这些服务热线机构都在他们的网页上讨论关于自杀的问题。
第二次分手没有让我觉得想要自杀，但是当我感觉很孤独的时候，我会很烦躁。给服务热线打电话大大地缓和了我的这种孤独感。只要我愿意，我想倾诉多久，他们就可以听多久，直到烦躁与焦虑烟消云散。
医生的角色
任何网站给你的第一个建议都是去咨询医生，寻求帮助。当然，我很赞同向医生咨询来解决问题的建议，但是它需要预约，同时在你最烦恼的时候，它不能立马就帮到你。
在给医生打电话，安排预约的同时也要继续用其他辅助方法。在英国，身处危难的时候，我们有6次免费咨询的机会。我使用了第一个预约机会，但那是3周之后的约会，现在我还在等着呢。
讲话，讲话，讲更多的话
当你情绪混乱的时候，普遍的反应就是脑海里没来由地闪过很多东西。脑袋需要理顺这些思绪，可是在那种剪不断，理还乱的情况下，尝试自我解决只会徒增烦恼。就我来说，我想的越多关于我的搭档，焦虑就越多。不仅如此，脑袋里总想着这些事，也会给我带来可怕的噩梦，之后醒来，我又处于情绪焦虑混乱当中了。
和别人说话能够帮助你自己，因为我们往往能够诉出烦恼。我花了一些时间和家人朋友呆在一起，但是这个方法（特别是和朋友呆一起）带来的问题是，连续不断的谈话会使你在一定程度上感到疲倦。你的朋友也许不能为你提供真正的帮助，还有，从他们的观点来看，他们
同情你，或者和你讲一些帮助性不大的话语，比如说“不用担心了，一切都会好起来的。”这些话在这种情况下根本不能起作用。
打热线的其中一个好处是向他们倾诉，你不必觉得有负罪感――这就是他们工作的意义。同时，如果你每次都要倾诉同样的烦恼，那你可以选择不同的人来聊天。即使是因为多次倾诉相同的且使你朋友不耐烦的事情，那也没有关系。刚开始那几天，我的很多时间都花在了乐善者热线电话上，白天打晚上也打，目的只是为了使自己能够度过那些难熬的时光。
乐善者给了我所需要的帮助，当然了，它不是唯一的一个帮助热线，还有很多处理这种具体问题的咨询热线的，比如，丧亲之痛，家庭暴力等等。在这个资源站上，我已经列出几个热线的网站，还有一些任何国家都能浏览的网页。
如果你在危及关头不能上网的话，你还可以在你的电话薄上查找号码。在英国，我们有当地居民的电话号码薄。本子的开页就是热线电话表。尽管黄页有同样的信息，但是它并不是每家每户都能用得上。
什么都做不了的时候，就让时间过去吧
事情刚发生的时候，我很痛苦以致于我什么都做不了。家人朋友的安慰再次把事情变得更坏了。
他们说，“工作起来，忙碌起来”，可我就是做不了。很难解释那是什么样的感觉，几乎就跟瘫痪了一样。很多事情简单得就像穿衣服，可看起来也那么可怕。不知道究竟怎么度过一天，就是这种状态所导致的。
时间慢得令人痛苦，同时，我没有办法让时间过得快一点，因为我什么都做不了。在我知道怎么分散精力之前，我都是煎熬着度过那些日子的。
经历第一次失恋的时候，我有过同样的感受，都是处于我人生的情绪最低点。这次，我得尝试找出一个带我逃离这种经历的方法。我谨记常言：时间能治疗一切，所以，我得寻找一个方法，让自己在没有忧虑烦恼的情况下度过时间，并且希望随着时间的流逝，这种痛苦烦恼的情绪也随之消散。
消极排遣
有这种忧虑烦恼感觉的时候，以往你所做来排遣时间的事情，现在都不会有什么用了。因为几乎所有事情都失去了它快乐的元素。现在，当你面临这样的烦恼，你就会觉得它们一点意义也没有了。比如说，我一直爱玩电脑游戏，以此打发了很多时间，可是，在极度沮丧的情况下，我玩不了游戏，因为玩游戏我得动起来，我得从沙发上起来，而这个偏偏是我做不到的。
我真正需要的是完全消极的东西，不需要我做任何事情，它们就已经能够吸引我的注意力。最后，我发现是电视解决了我的问题。我并不是说看电视是一个有效的或者健康的排遣痛苦的方法，我只是依自己的经历来说的。
我没有看一般的电视，因为它根本不能分散我的注意力。对我来说，起到作用的是看一些戏剧，特别是《24》。它有点年暴力，或许并不是最好的选择，但是它很有趣，能够吸引我的注意力。所以我在看的时候，思想就会被分散了。
那些日子，我做的最多的就是盖上羽绒被套，蜷缩在沙发上看戏剧。人们常常警告电视的危害，可对我来说，它是极好的疗法，它纯粹为我而演，把我从痛苦的思绪中带走，又不用我做什么事情。
积极排遣
这里我向指出的一点是，它真的能使你及时转好。我不知道究竟会有多好，因为我仍然处在这个过程当中，我仍然时不时会有心情糟糕的日子。
但是，我两周前的烦躁心情已经少了很多，甚至当我心情不好的时候，它也没有以前那么糟糕了。在沙发上度过几天之后，一些东西在我脑海里旋转，我感觉我可以做多点事情。不要很多，但比单纯看电视还要多点。我觉得我的思想应更开阔些，所以我那时做的事情就是上网。
我决定，我需要做尝试让自己感觉良好。我上了YouTube视频网找了一些喜剧逗乐视频，标记为我最喜欢的。我回访了浏览过我博客的人的博客，收藏了一些曾经令我快乐的博客。有一个博客是这样的，名字听起来不是那么积极但里面的内容实在很有趣。点来看看，然后确定它的幽默合不合你的胃口。
然后，我就浏览了一些类似的博客和其他的能培养好心情的，思想积极的，教你如何消遣的和一般都会带来好心情的博客。我已经把这些博客列在资源站那里了。
去适应你自己的情况
分散思想的问题所在就是它不能真正地帮助你解决烦恼。在将来的某一天，压抑的感觉有会回来，所以，我们不能永远这么继续分散自己的注意力，这个是很重要的。
我是自己开始适应的。我觉得自己就是一个可交谈的私人顾问。同时，我也发现一些博客在讨论我这种具体问题――失恋（分手）问题。最后，我发觉自己能够适应和处理这些问题了。几周前，实在是痛苦到什么事情也做不了，但是现在，我坚强了，我能够去适应了。
下一步
拥有这么一个人气旺的博客和众多的伴随伙伴，我感到很幸运。在博客上写烦恼郁闷，我得到了很多很棒的解决问题的建议，有些人还让我尝试各种方法。同时在论坛上，我还问了我的伴随伙伴们，有没有什么能让人心情好的资源推荐给我，其中包括了电视节目（24！暴力的选择），好的博客和其他的东西，这些我都在文章末尾罗列出来了的。
这就是现在的我――仍然会有情绪低潮，仍然需要分散精力，但是我会一直“开发利用”朋友们告诉我的这些资源，在专业顾问的帮助下，我会一直积极适应和处理这些烦恼。
现在我正在恢复我原来的生活，尽管以后的路很长，但是我知道，我告别了最坏的烦恼。我再也不会经历像起初一样的痛苦经历了。
我把文章粘贴在这里，希望在你们遇到情感问题的时候，它能够帮助你们。