It was on the news a few years ago – an American bear enthusiast devoured by one or two grizzly bears. He was so confident he was accepted into the bear world that he pushed his luck a little too far. If he could rewind everything what would he do instead?
Shoulda,Coulda,Woulda. Life is a portrait of the retrospect. “If I could take one step back, could that get me one step ahead?” I sit at my table cluttered with photo frames, diaries, books and dry pens, and pieces paper that once were stuck to the inside of my jean pockets. I have a view of the baseball court from my window. A group of students are grunting and running into each other like rabid rams. It seems like this is as good as it gets.
In the next few months, I will be preparing for graduation. I will leave this desk and the window next to the basketball court. Because of this booming reality, I start thinking about the last three years. I wonder to myself that I would have done differently if I could state over again. Some people see this musing activity as pointless. Why should we waste our time wishing for the past?” it’s a sadistic form of pleasure, says my friend, what would have happened if I didn’t get pissed drunk that night? What would have happened if I tried to ask that girl out? He shrugged, “it’s all a matter of perspective. It’s a seed for the imagination.” He liked to talk like a poet, thinker, and deep philosopher.
I asked my friends: “what would you have done differently at Stanford. If you could begin all over again.” Some of them gave me a blank look. Some blushed, some snickered. Some seemed to gloat. Some seemed remorseful. Each expression had a story.
She said, “if I could, I would never have dated him. While it’s true that we have been together for more than three years now, I would never have jumped into the relationship. We started dating in freshman year. I was a stupid girl. Although I never intended to get a boyfriend so quickly, it happened. Don’t get me wrong: I do love him, I love him and this love took time. But, it was a love that came from deceit, from mistakes and misfortunes. He had a girlfriend, I pursued. I believed myself to be the good guy, but in the end, I was and will always be the third wheel, I fooled myself. ”
He said, “Yes. I would have taken more philosophy courses rather than chemistry courses; actually, I would not take any chemistry course. Why the hell did I take chemistry to begin with? By that time I realized I didn’t like it, I felt compelled to finish the major. I just trucked on. I should have listened to my instincts. I should have defined what I liked earlier. If I knew then what I know now, I would have devoted my time to philosophy. That is my passion. Why did I ever doubt it? It was possibly because of the other half of my brain telling me I needed to do more. Cruel as it might seem, there is a major that makes you happy and there is a major that puts food on the table. ”
And lastly, I would like to quote a good friend of mine, a man whom I respect and look up to. “I guess there isn’t that much that I would do differently if I were to repeat Stanford. Sure there are some pitfalls I could have avoided, but each was a learning experience on some level. There were some bad things that were out of my control too. I love the places I got to live, and especially the people I lived with. I’m grateful to the University and my classmates in every way possible.”
“From a life lesson standpoint, I would work harder on clarifying expectations, both in my academic life and my personal life. I found that the biggest problems always happened when two or more people didn’t expect the same end results from their actions or those of others. ”
What would I change? I wouldn’t change anything. I do have my regrets. I ate too much? I didn’t exercise as much as I wanted? I wish I had honed my study ethics earlier in college. But, you know what? If I didn’t make some of those mistakes, I wouldn’t be a good writer, I would have nothing to complain about.
Life is too short to think of past mistakes. One day, I won’t be here. I won’t be thinking. I won’t see the gum on the bottom of my shoes. The clunky clicking of my mini-refrigerator would be deaf to my ears; these things put me in perspective. So now I understand. If I turn my head around to analyze the past or strain my neck too far to see the future I might trip and fall. Life is meaningless if we live on shoulda’s, would’s, coulda’s.
译文:
遗憾
几年前有这么一则新闻, 说一个美国的灰熊爱好者被两只灰熊吞吃。 他以为自己能够安全身处于熊的世界里,也以为自己的运气够好可以幸免灾难。如果一切能重来,他会做点什么呢?
本应该,本可以,本会做。 生活好似为回忆画的肖像。 “如果我没有这么做, 会不会做的更好呢?” 我坐在书桌旁,桌子上乱糟糟地堆满了相框,日记本,书本,水笔,和那些一直放在我夹克内里的纸张。从我的窗户望出去有一个篮球场。一群学生互相追逐叫喊着像狂暴的公羊。这该是他们人生中最美好的时刻吧。
在接下来的几个月中,我就要为毕业做准备了。我将离开这张书桌和这个能望到篮球场的窗户。一想到这迫在眉睫的现实,我便不自觉地想要回忆一下过去的三年。 我想如果一切从来,我也许会和现在有所不同。 有些人认为这种想法完全没有必要。为何我们要浪费时间去思考已经过去的事情? 我朋友认为,这是一种虐待自己的愉悦方式。“如果那晚我没有宿醉会如何?” “如果我邀请那个女孩出去一切又会如何?” 他耸耸肩: “一切都取决于看待问题的视角。这为想象力的滋生提供了种子。 ”他说话的样子像个诗人,一个思想家,或者,一个深邃的哲学家。
我问我的朋友们: “如果一切可以重来,你会怎样过你在斯坦福的日子呢?” 有些人给我白眼, 有些人面孔通红,有些人窃笑,有些人心满意足,有些人则显得懊恼。每一种表情都有背后的一个故事。
她说: “如果可以的话,我将永远不会和他约会。 虽然我们在一起三年多了,但我还是希望自己没有卷入这个关系。 我们从大一就开始约会,我是一个傻女孩。 虽然我从没想过这么快就有一个男朋友,但事情还是发生了。不要误解我,我爱他,爱了很久。但那是欺骗的爱,错误的爱,不幸的爱。他有女朋友,但我还是坚持不放, 我以为自己是那个幸运的人。可到了最后,我却是那个第三者,我欺骗了自己。”
他说: “是的,我将会去上更多的哲学课,而不是化学课。 事实上,我根本不会去上任何化学课。为什么我一开始选择的是化学课?但当我意识到自己不喜欢它时,我却不得不完成这个专业。就这样我把它读完了。 我应该跟着我的喜好走,我应该早点认清我喜欢的是什么。如果那个时候我就像现在这般明确,我会把经历都投入哲学的。那是我的热情所在。为什么我曾经怀疑它?也许是我另一半脑子告诉自己我应该做的更多。现实就是这样残酷, 你眼前摆着两个专业,一个让你精神愉快,一个让你衣食无忧。”
最后,我想援引我好朋友的一句话,他也是我一直尊重和景仰的一个人。 “我想,如果让我在斯坦福的日子重新来过,我也不会有很大改变。当然,的确有许多我应该避免的错误,但它们或多或少都是一种学习的经历。当然一些不好的事情也是我无法控制的。我喜欢我住的地方,特别是一起共处的人们。我想以一切可能的方式向我的母校和同学们表达感谢。”
从长远的人生课程角度来看,我希望自己能在对自己的规划方面更加明确。我指的是学业与个人生活的规划。我发现,往往两个或多个人在对他们及别人的行为的期望值不同的时候,严重的问题就产生了。
我想改变什么?我什么都不会改变。我确实有后悔的事情。也许我吃得太多了?我没有像自己想要的那样进行足够的锻炼?我希望早点就树立起对学习的正确看法。但是如果没有这些错误,我将不会是一个好的作家。我没有什么能够抱怨的了。
人生短暂，根本来不及让你思考过去的错误。有一天，我就不存在了，没有思想了，我看不见鞋底的粘胶，也听不见家中的小冰箱发出的沉重的卡嚓声。这些事情让我开始思考，现在我明白了。如果我转过头去分析过去，或伸长脖子期望预知未来，那么也许我会失足摔倒。如果我们一直生活在本应该,本可以,本会做中，那么生活就显得没意义了。