This is the first article of a new feature of A Miracle A Day... every Friday I'll write an article to answer a reader's question. This first time, I'm answering a question that has been asked of me a few times, most recently the day after I asked for questions for this article.
Question:
I have been married for a few years, and we have children together. During the time we've been married, my husband had an affair. We were separated, but not divorced, and he called me to apologize and say he wanted to try again. After we got back together, he cheated on me again. Since then, he has admitted to it, and told me he wanted to save our marriage. He's been a good husband since then, and I really love him, but it's very hard to trust him. His cheating on me has also decimated my self-worth, so that even though he tells me he loves me and that I'm beautiful, I have a hard time believing him. I want to save my marriage... what can I do?
Answer:
Your spouse is the one person that you should be able to trust over all others, so when they hurt you badly, and then do so again, it's more devastating than nearly any other pain. That leaves you with a lot of internal hurt that you're going to need to heal before your relationship can really be strong again, although there's no reason you can't start working on it while still working through your pain.
The first thing that you need to do is to start working on making yourself stronger. You can start this process by finding a way to have a little time to yourself (no kids and no husband... maybe at night after they all are asleep) where you can take a step back, let things go, and be able to start from a place of more peace. Once you've done that, you really need to figure out who you are, and who you want to be... a good place to start would be this article.
This lets you start working toward a good relationship from a place of strength, knowing who you are and who you want to be, being more whole. A stronger knowledge and sense of self will help you to see your self, your husband, your relationship, and how those three things work together more clearly, ensuring that you have a strong foundation.
Now that you have started working on your self, you are ready to start working on your relationship. The first thing you need to do is make sure that both of you really want to save your marriage... building a relationship on only one end makes it unbalanced, and it will collapse. Still, with that being said, someone has to go first... and since you're obviously interested in saving your marriage enough to be reading this article, that probably means you.
The process starts with a serious, deep conversation. In order to have such a conversation, you need to be relatively certain you won't be interrupted, which generally means finding a babysitter for the children, but it can work after they all go to bed, too. In this conversation, you need to let it all come out... how you feel, why you feel that way, what you want, what you're scared of, and what you dream of. This can't be one-sided, though... you both have to participate, or little will come of it.
After you have this conversation, you should both have a better idea of where you stand. All of the problems should be out in the open, and each person should have somewhat of an idea of the amount of effort it is going to take to move forward and rebuild your relationship.
If you are both ready and willing to do what it takes, what you have to do is essentially start a new relationship. That means getting to know each other all over again, building trust slowly, dating, etc., just like you were meeting for the first time.
As you are rebuilding your relationship, you need to deal with issues as they come up. You can't put it off, or bury it, or tell yourself it doesn't matter... both of you have to take the time to actually deal with each and every issue that comes up between you.
At the same time, you need to make sure that you're not being petty, just looking for negative things to bring up. Your focus should be on the things you have in common, the positive things, the things that you love about each other... that doesn't mean ignore negative things, because you do need to deal with even small issues as they come up so that they don't pile up, but don't go hunting for them.
The above doesn't just apply to the rebuilding phase of your relationship, either... if you want to save your marriage, and keep it strong over the long haul, you need to continue to deal with issues as they come up and focus on the shared and positive things for the rest of your lives.
In addition to dealing with issues in the relationship as they come up, you need to help each other deal with issues that have nothing to do with your relationship, whatever mental wounds you have from your past, whether it's before or after you got together. Doing that helps to build trust, bring down walls, and get rid of background "pressure" that adds to the impact of small issues that arise day to day (like the straw that broke the camel's back... if you have enough weight of "other" issues piled up on you, even small things can push you close to the breaking point).
Essentially, to save your marriage, you need to give up your old relationship, and the habits you formed in and around it, and build a new one. That doesn't mean forget about the old one, though... it means that you should learn from it, figure out what went wrong, and use that knowledge to make your new relationship stronger and more secure.
Saving your marriage, rebuilding your relationship... all of this starts with, and depends on, you working on yourself. That doesn't mean trying to become the perfect wife (or husband), it means figuring out who you are, what your passions are, and learning to trust yourself. It also means freeing up your mental, spiritual, and emotional resources used up in avoiding pain from old mental wounds by facing them head-on. Those resources then become available for more active pursuits, like, for instance, building a relationship. A relationship requires commitment, energy, and attention from both sides... if all of your energy and attention is going to deal with your past issues, you'll have none left to spend on your current relationships.
译文:
读者提问-出轨后要怎样挽救婚姻
这是A Miracle A Day改版后的第一篇文章……每周五我都会写一篇文章来回答一个读者的问题。这是我第一次对这个我被问及多次的问题做出回应，在这个问题最近一次提出的前一天，我刚向读者询问过对于这篇文章是否还有疑问。
提问：
我和他结婚好多年了，还生了几个孩子。在我们结婚后的那段时间里，他有段外遇。于是我们分居了，但没有离婚，后来他打电话向我道歉并且要我再给他一次机会。可是我们复合了之后他还是对我不忠。那时他向我承认他出轨了，但却想挽回我们的婚姻。此后他真的做了个好老公，我也很爱他，但就是很难信任他。他对我不忠的行为极大的贬低了我的自我价值，所以即使他口口声声说爱我，说我很漂亮，我也很难再相信他。可我真的想挽救我的婚姻……我该怎么办？
你的配偶是你最应该信任的那个人，所以当他们让你伤心，并且一再地让你心碎的时候，你会发觉这样的摧毁力比任何伤痛都要猛烈。这些伤害给你的心灵带来烙印，你得在你们的关系变得坚不可摧之前走出痛苦，虽然你在承受痛苦的时候也可以修复这段婚姻。
你要做的第一件事就是努力让自己变得更坚强。你可以从寻找一点属于自己的时间做起，比如找个没有孩子没有丈夫在身边的时间……也许可以在他们都睡着后的深夜，你在脑海里按下回放键，随那些纷繁去吧，这样可以从一个宁静些的地点开始思索。接下来，你就真的需要弄明白你是谁和你想成为怎么样的人……而起跑的好地方就是这篇文章。
这篇文章让你开始由力量的源地朝着一段美好的恋爱关系行进，同时你明白自己是谁，知道你想成为什么样的人，人生也变得更完整。对自身的广泛和强烈的认知感将会帮助你看清你自己，你的丈夫，你们的婚姻，还有这三者是怎么共同运作的，并且确保你有一个夯实的基础。
现在你已经开始研究自我了，现在要开始对你们的婚姻下功夫了。首先你要确定的是你们双方都确实想要挽救这段婚姻……单方面想要建立婚姻关系是不会使婚姻平衡的，它最终将会崩塌。而且，俗话说，总有一方要先走出一步……所以既然你很有兴趣要拯救你的婚姻并且正在读这篇文章，那么我指的也许就是你了。
这个过程总是以一次严肃而又深入的谈话来开头。为了这样的一次谈话，你必须确保你们不会被打扰，也就是说为你们的孩子找个保姆，或者他们已经上床睡觉去了也行。在谈话中，你要推心置腹说出一些……你怎样想的，为什么那样想的，你想要的，你害怕的，你梦想着的。但这可不能就一个人在那里说……你们双方都要参与，否则真心话是说不出来的。
在这次谈话之后，你们都应该明白自己的立场。所有的问题都要开诚布公的谈，而且每一方都要想想为了修复婚姻而该采取什么办法。
如果你们都准备好了并且乐意去付诸这些努力，你们接下来要做的就是开始一段新的恋爱关系。也就是说要重新认识对方啊，慢慢的建立起对对方的信任啊，约会阿等等，就像你们第一次见面那样。
正是因为你们正在修复你们的婚姻，所以当问题出现的时候你们要解决它。你不能把问题延迟解决或是干脆掩藏起来，或自欺欺人地说着这根本无关紧要嘛……你们双方都要及时解决出现在你们之间的问题。
同时，你不能啰嗦，也不能专门寻找让人心烦的事情。你应当多多注意你们的共同点，那些积极的事物上，和你们爱对方的理由上。这并不是说要你忽视那些烦心事，因为当小问题出现的时候你立马就把它解决掉啦，所以它们也不会堆积。但是你千万不要去自寻烦恼哦。
上述所说的并不只是适用于修复婚姻阶段哦……如果你想拯救这段婚姻，并在这场拉锯战中让爱处于不败之地，你就必须继续在矛盾凸现在时候把它们解决掉，并在其后的生活中把重心放在两人共享的和令人愉快的事情上。
除了把问题杀死在萌芽状态，你们还要帮助对方解决和你们的婚姻关系无关的问题，不论是你以前遭受的什么精神创伤，不管是发生在你们结合之前还是之后的。这样做可以帮助你们建立互信，消除隔阂，摆脱那些潜在的“压力”，这些压力加剧了每天都在产生的小矛盾的负面效应，就像俗语说的“最后添加的一根稻草压断骆驼背脊”……如果你有其他的烦人事堆积在你的思维里，那么即使是极其琐碎的事情也可以把你逼到崩溃的边缘。
有必要的是，为了挽救婚姻，你得结束以前的恋爱关系，摒弃在这段关系里养成的习惯并且开始一份新的爱情。但这不是意味着你要抹煞那段过去……我说的是要从中学习，意识到哪里出了错，并且运用你所学去巩固和捍卫你的新爱情。
拯救你们的婚姻，重塑你们的爱情……这些都起源于，并且决定于你对自身的耕耘。这不是说你要做个完美的妻子或丈夫，而是弄清楚你是谁，你的感情是什么，还有要学会相信自己。这也意味着要释放自己的思想，精神还有情感源泉，这样在正面和旧的心灵伤害打交道时，你就不会再那么痛苦。这些源泉会为你更积极的追求奠定基础的，比如说发展一段恋情。一段恋情需要双方的忠诚，活力和注意力……如果你所有的精力和注意力都放在过去，你就没有多少剩余的精力来投入当前的恋情。
这就是开端……你现在走上了你自己的旅程。