怯，布什这八年
文/汤涌
《青年文摘·彩版》2009年第1期“世界是个球”
2004年5月23日，美国得克萨斯，布什骑车栽倒摔成花脸。
布什要走了，时间是2009年1月。这是一个非常下饭的人。许多中国家庭至今仍有看着《新闻联播》吃晚饭的习惯，在所有晚上7点25分后出现的人物里，布什总能给做了一天无聊工作的人们种种惊喜。他吃饼干噎得昏过去、骑代步车摔个大马趴、穿着不合身的花衬衫出现在国际会议上、抱着兔子玩偶照相
……
有一阵我们几乎相信他就是美国人民选出来娱乐我们的，但他不是。
他毕竟是美国总统。
嫁人不嫁怪叔叔布什
2007年5月7日，白宫南草坪，布什似乎在向来访的英国女王抛媚眼。
如果用一个词来描述布什的风格，“怯”是再合适不过了。
在汉语中，“怯”除了胆小，还有俗气、不合时宜的意思。
在得克萨斯州长大的布什一直被精英媒体认为是一个有西部口音的乡巴佬。当时电视台一跟布什聊国际问题，节目收视率就暴涨。大家都喜欢看可能当总统的人露怯。
2000年11月3日，波士顿的一家电视台，主持人安迪·希勒搞了一个突然袭击，“你知道俄罗斯车臣共和国的总统是谁吗？”
布什发现准备好的材料里没有这些内容。
“我不知道，你知道是谁吗？”布什有急智。
“巴基斯坦掌权的将军是谁？”安迪·希勒又问。
“好像是刚刚选出来的吧……”布什支吾着。
“印度新总理?”
“我还是不知道。”布什说，“那么，你能说出墨西哥外长的名字吗？”
“我不知道，我又不选总统。”希勒说。
“你可是著名记者啊，你不知道，说明你不合格。但是你不合格吗？谁都知道你是合格的记者，因此不能以这些(知识性的)东西作为评判的标准。”布什反击说。
这次访谈立刻被布什的对手、当时的民主党候选人戈尔的竞选团队抓住，戈尔当了8年副总统，这些重要国家的领导人他了如指掌。
布什的班子则辩解说：“99.9%的美国民众和大多数总统候选人都不知道这些名字。”
遗憾的是，人们只会把候选人和候选人比。没人会以一个得州大叔的标准来要求布什。
2005年，布什曾经接见过英国美少女歌手夏洛特·丘奇，问她：“威尔士在哪个州？”夏洛特心里暗骂“笨蛋”。布什甚至连威尔士是英国的都不知道。
小布什的大学成绩单显示，他除了人类学、历史学和哲学获得过B之外，基本是C、D的水平，他不懂得威尔士在哪儿一点也不奇怪。
俄罗斯少女有民歌《嫁人要嫁普京这样的人》，没有少女愿意嫁给怪叔叔布什。
阴郁，从童年开始
2007年4月25日，华盛顿，布什学跳非洲舞，舞姿颇像大猩猩。
布什从小就不算是一个快乐的孩子，中学期间就生活在完美老爹的阴影之下，学校走廊里挂着一张自己父亲的黑白照片，他是优等生、棒球队长、学生会主席。
老布什顾不上家，对孩子的要求却很高。不幸的是，小布什的母亲芭芭拉也是一个苛刻的女人。
小布什有个妹妹罗宾，比他小4岁，小布什7岁时，罗宾死于白血病。小布什伤心欲绝，写了一篇作文纪念妹妹。当他念作文给妈妈听时，妈妈只是说他无数次地提到 “眼泪”，实在是太过嗦，还有许多文法错误，最后小布什把“眼泪”改成“双颊有撕裂的感觉”。
从此，小布什落下了病根，一直到今天，单复数不分，is和are也分不清。
他忧郁到30岁，自虐到30岁，还是一个花花公子。喝，吐，开车，撞车，这曾经是小布什一度的日子。
随着拿到MBA学位、结婚和年纪的增长，小布什逐渐浪子回头。到1988年，他42岁，投入了老爹的竞选阵营当顾问。
多难的八年
2008年3月24日，白宫举行复活节滚彩蛋大赛，布什拥抱兔子。
布什的总统位子来得颇有戏剧色彩，2000年大选，布什先是在党内预选中几乎输给麦凯恩，后来又和戈尔苦战一场，最终以微弱优势获胜。
当了半年多总统，2001年9月11日，美国遭到恐怖袭击。消息被第一时间通知布什，但是布什仍然在佛罗里达州给小学生们朗读课文。纪录片《华氏911》非常刻薄地点评了布什的反应：布什面目呆滞，手指吧嗒吧嗒地敲着桌子。就在布什发呆的时候，世贸大楼遭到了第二次撞击。布什坐飞机逃入地下掩体，直到晚上出现在电视讲话上。之后布什决定报复。
2001年10月7日，美英联军攻入阿富汗，和基地组织来往密切的阿富汗塔利班政权被覆灭。
2003年3月20日，美英联军进攻伊拉克，5月，美军控制了巴格达。这场战争出乎意料的神速。
布什曾经在一次公开场合说错了话，当时有人站出来质疑他，萨达姆也许没有大规模杀伤性武器，为什么还要打。布什说：“他要杀我老爸。”
布什的好战让许多精英人士深感忧虑，担心美国可能以反恐为名侵害公民的权利，最后变成一个极权国家。此外，战争费用也让美国背上了一个大包袱。
当年，布什幸运地从克林顿手中接过了一个满当当的国库，现在布什则扔给了下一任一个烂摊子——百年不遇的经济危机。
泥土味的娱乐明星
2008年10月30日，在美国联邦调查局培训生的毕业典礼上，布什对获奖的毕业生摆出拳击的架势。
布什在外交活动中，带着独特的泥土气息。
他会在见到中国国家主席胡锦涛时大大咧咧地请求“弄两张美国梦八队的奥运球票”，也会在乡下牧场接待普京夫妇。自命风流的萨科齐献殷勤会使默克尔非常生气，但是布什却能和默克尔处得不错。
布什在任的八年，也是中国互联网空前发展的八年。拜信息化所赐，许多中国人都知道，布什爱说错话，喜欢闹笑话，布什没儿子，有俩丫头。郭德纲在相声里，把布什塑造成一个说一嘴河南方言(原因是请了个家教是河南人)、有点抠门的小老板。在胡戈的《鸟笼山》里，布什说一嘴湖南普通话。在美国，战争、金融危机的阴影，都挡不住人们看着布什欢笑，在他身上，恶搞如影随行：他向英国首相布莱尔伸出咸猪手，他的头像组成了一整套扑克牌，他有时是女王，有时是嬉皮士，有时是蒙娜丽莎，有时又被恶搞成大猩猩……
电影人也赋予布什各种形象。比如在2001年的美剧《咱们的小布什》里，他是神经质的爆笑形象；影片《银城竞选》里，他是颇有心机的阴谋家；而2006年英国导演的《总统之死》，索性让他被两颗子弹射中脑袋。
2004年美国大选时，一部《华氏911》对布什极尽冷嘲热讽，却获得了当年戛纳电影节金棕榈奖。
失去了布什，该是美国影视娱乐业多么大的损失。
布什与他的爱犬巴尼，巴尼可说是世界上最幸运的狗，跟着布什到处访问。
译文:
Timid,The Eight Years of George.Bush( with Amazing Pics)
Timid,The Eight Years of George.Bush
By TangYong
《Youth Tabloid·Color Edition》2009,The First“The World is A Ball”
May 23rd,2004,Texas,the face of Bush,after fell down from a bicycle.
George.Bush is leaving, in January, 2009. This is a man who gives you appetite. Eating and watching CCTV News,lots of families in China still keep the habit today,and among all the persons that appear after 7:25,Bush always sends a surprise, which is a good present after a boring day of work.He choked to a faint while eating biscuit, tumbled while riding a bike, dressed out of form in a colorful shirt while appearing on international conference, and took photograph while embracing a rabbit doll.
……
There was a time I almost believe that he is the one, chosed by American people, to entertain us, but that's not true.
After all, he is the president of the United States.
No one marries Uncle Bush
May 7th,2007, south lawn of White House, Bush looked like flashing his eyes at the Queen.。
If we wanna describe Bush's style in just one word,"qie(Chinese, timid,cowardly,nervous)" may be the most appropriate one.
In Chinese,，"qie" means “ tacky, unseasonable, except for timid.
Grew up in Texas, Bush is always considered by elite medias as a rube with a western accent. Whenever the TV programme talks about international topics with Bush, the audience rating raises rapidly. Everyone wants to see the person who will probably be the next president of the U.S.A, showing his timidity in front of TV.。
November 3rd,2000, in a TV station in Boston, the programme host, Andy Shearer, took by surprise, "Do you know who is the president of Chechen Republic of Russia?"
Bush found that it was not in his prepared material.
"I don't know, do you know who it is?" he got an agile wit.
"Who is the general in charge of Pakistan?" Andy.Shearer asked again.
"Seems like it has just been elected......” Bush faltered.
"The premier of India?"
"I still don't know" Bush said, "Then,can you tell me the name of the foreign minister of Mexico?"
"I don't know, I don't run for president." Shearer said.
"But you are a famous journalist, you don't know that, then you are not qualified. But are you unqualified? Everybody knows you are a qualified journalist, you can't use these stuffs(knowledges) as a yardstick." Bush fought back.
The interview was seized by Bush's opponent, the campaign of Gore, Democratic candidate at that time. Gore has been vice president for 8 years, he knew everyone of the leaders of these important conturies.
Bush's campaign palliated:"99.9% of American people and most candidates don't know these names."
Unfortunately, people compare a candidate only with another candidate.The standard for Bush can never be the same thing for a big uncle in Texas.
2005年，In 2005, Bush received the beautiful young British singer Charlotte.Church, and asked her:"Which state is Wales in?", "Idiot", Charlotte cursed inside. Bush didn't even know that Wales is in Britain.
The transcripts of George.Bush.Junior in college shows except that he got B in anthropology, history and philosophy, he was in C or D level generally, so it's not weird that he didn't know where Wales is.
There is a ballad, 《To Marry A Man Like Putin》, sang by Russian girls, no girls will marry queer Uncle Bush.
Gloomy, since childhood
April 25th, 2007, Washington, Bush was learning African dance, looked like a chimpanzee.
Bush was never a happy child, his life in middle school was totally under the influence of his perfect daddy - a black-and-white photograph of his father hanged in the school aisle, who was a top student, the captain of school baseball team, president of student union.
Senior Bush had no time for family, but had high standard for his children. Further more, Barbara, Junior Bush's mother is also a rigorous woman.
Junior Bush has a sister Robin, 4 years younger than him. When he was 7 years old, Robin died of leukaemia. He was so sad that he wrote a composition to memorize her. When he read this to his mother, she said the word "tears" was repeated for thousands of times, too redundant, and he committed too many solecisms. So at last Junior Bush changed the word "tears" with "the lacerates ran down my cheeks".
Since then, Junior Bush got a problem - until now, he can't tell the difference between singular and plural, "is" and "are".
He was gloomy and suffered until his 30s, and was also a playboy. Got drunk and threw up, drove and crashed, these things consisted Junior Bush's life once.
After he got MBA, married and grew up, he slowly turned around. In 1988, Junior Bush was 42, he entered his father's campaign as a counsellor.
Unfortunate 8 years
March 24th,2008, in Easter Egg Roll held in the White house, Bush embracing the "rabbit".
Bush's victory of the presidential election was quite dramatic. In the election in 2000, Bush almost lost the game in the intraparty election to Mc Cain, and then struggled with Gore, and won fainty.
Being president for just half a year, in September 11th, 2001, America was attacke by terrorists. The message was sent to Bush immediately, but at that time he was reading a text for the students in a primary school. The documentary 《Fahrenheit 9/11》 criticized harshly at Bush's reaction:Bush kept a poker face, tapping the desk again and again. Just as he was dumbfounded, the World Trade Center was hit for the second time. Bush fled by air, then hide underground until appeared on TV in the evening. He decided to revenge.
In October 7th, 2001, the Coalition Forces of the U.S.A and Britain attacked Afghanistan, the Taliban regime which has lots of communications with Al Qaida, was destroyed.
In March 20th, 2003, the Coalition Forces attacked Iraq, and by May Bagdad was seized. The war was unexpected fast.
When someone queried that Saddam might not have mass destruction weapons, why still fight? Bush said something wrong:"He wants to kill my dad."
Many elites were quite worried about Bush's favor for military, they feared that America would violate civil rights in the name of anti-terrorism, and finally became an authoritarian country.Besides, the costs of war made American burdened.
From the beginning Bush luckily received a rich treasury from his predecessor Clinton, now he left with an once-in-century economic crisis to the next president.
Muddy EStar
October 30th, 2008, graduation ceremony of FBI trainees, Bush posed as a boxer.
Bush has a scent of mud in diplomatic activities.
He would carelessly beg that "get me some Olympic Game tickets of the USA Dream Team Eight", when met with HuJintao, Chairman of China, and would also receive MR and MRS Putin in a pasture in the countryside. The romantic French premier Sarkozy's adulation made Merkel angry, but Bush gets along well with her.
The 8 years of Bush as the president is a period during which Internet has been superfast developed.Through the informationization, lots of Chinese people know that Bush often says things wrongly, always pulls a boner, and he has no son but two daughters.In the crosstalk of GuoDegang, Bush is figured as a stingy boniface, speaks in the dialect of Henan(because his private tutor is from Henan).In 《Birdcage Hill》 of HuGe, Bush speaks in Hunan accent. In America, the big shadow of war and economic crisis never stops people's laughter when they see Bush, all kinds of spoofs were applied to him: he reached out his salty pig feet to the British prime minister Tony.Blair, his heads were collected and consisted a set of poker cards, he was sometimes the queen, sometimes a hippy, sometimes Monalisa, and sometimes a chimpanzee......
Films also endowed Bush with many images. For example, in the American TV play 《That's My Bush》, he is a unstrung hilarious character; in the film 《Silver City》, he is a cunning schemer; but in the British Film 《Death of A President》, they made Bush got shot with 2 bullets in head.
During the presidential election in 2004, the film <Fahrenheit 9/11> tried its best to lampoon Bush, yet won a Golden Palm in Cannes Film Festival.
After losing Bush, what a big loss it would be for American entertainment industry.
Bush and his pet dog Barney who may be the luckiest dog in the world, travelling all around the earth with his owner.