I am trying to figure out what is the right kind of guy for me to be dating now that I’m getting a divorce. As an incorrigible go-getter — with all things I do — I am getting a jump start on dating. So if it’s offensive to you that I’m dating before I’m divorced, you should probably stop reading. But I want to warn you that you are probably from the same contingent of people who do not approve of looking for a job from your current job, and I’ve got news for you: Everyone’s doing it. Both.
At first I thought I should be dating people who are recently divorced. You know, shared experience. So I went out with this guy who was married for sixteen months, and his wife is getting about three million dollars in the settlement. Of course he is very upset about the whole thing. But mostly because he thinks she’s crazy.
My alarms go off immediately. I think he might be crazy. Because, as my divorce lawyer says, “A ten never marries a one.” Which is to say that you get what you are.
I ask my date why he’s so upset that she’s getting three million. Because, after all, he earned way more than that while he was with her. (Yes, true.)
He says that she is a raving alcoholic and he didn’t know that when he married her.
Then he orders his second Jack and Ginger.
I have had so few drinks in my life that I don’t even know what Jack and Ginger is.
But here’s what happens: We go out on one date, and I drink. It only takes me about a half a glass of wine to be way more easy-going and flirty than I could ever manage if I were sober. And he asks me out again.
On the next date, he has four beers and I don’t drink, and it is obvious to me that things are not going well.
And it is also obvious to me that he will marry another alcoholic. He likes that in a girl.
But he still complains that he can’t believe he married someone who is so unstable. I can’t believe he doesn’t see what marrying that person says about him. I do not tell him that people who have four drinks on every date marry alcoholics. I do tell him, “A ten does not marry a one.”
The wisdom falls on dead ears.
But I know this is true because after our marriage counseling ended up in our divorce, I went back to the marriage counselor to understand why I chose my husband in the first place. Really, all the things I loved about my husband when we got married are still there. I just need to understand why, of all the things I could love in a person, I picked those to marry. There are millions of reasons to marry someone, really, like that the person is a genius (my husband) or that the person is fun when drunk (definitely not my husband).
It’s easy to judge other people for what they pick. But to be honest, all reasons have their pluses and minuses and we’d do best just to understand why we do what we do. My friend married a woman because she had little world experience and he could show her what he knew. Lame, right? But the marriage is working. And another friend married someone because he’s the male version of Mother Theresa. Great, right? But the marriage fell apart because in the end, she wanted someone to pay attention to her, not save the world.
So I try to not complain about my husband because there’s a lot that is good about him. I try instead to focus on how to be better at understanding myself. Because who you pick to be around says a lot about who you are.
And this is true for a lot of areas in life. Like, look at your friends. Good-looking people hang out with good-looking people. and who you hang out with is so influential on you that fat friends make you fat.
It’s true at work, too. A former boss used to tell me that you should always hire A players because one B player brings everyone down – teams perform to their lowest performer. I think that’s true. I also think that when an A sees a B on the team, the A doesn’t want to come.
So if you are complaining that you are in an office with people who are terrible at what they do, ask yourself why. And instead of broadcasting that you chose to be with terrible people, do some self-reflection and figure out why, so you don’t do it again.
It’s very hard to avoid duplicating the same mistake over and over again – that’s why most second marriages fail, and that’s why people who work at lame companies generally make their next move to another lame company. But if you are really honest about your own responsibility for choosing lameness, then you are less likely to choose it again.
Now, if I can only get as good at choosing dates as I am at choosing companies….
译文:
不要抱怨所在公司
我就要离婚了，所以很想弄清我会再跟什么样人约会。我很能干，什么事都经手，现如今我要把约会作为一个新的开始。如果对你来说，还没离婚就跟别的人约会会让你感到很不舒服，那样你就不必往下看了。但是，我只想提醒你也许你周围也会有这样的人，他们不会对就职公司说他们正准备跳槽的。可以这么说吧，每个人都会这么做。无论对婚姻还是职业。
一开始我认为应该跟刚离婚不久的人约会，因为经历相同嘛！就这样，我跟这位刚结婚16个月的人约会了。他妻子有三百万美元的存款，当然他也曾因此而感到不安，但是最难以忍受的是那个女人很疯狂。
我很快就卸下了防备。我觉得他很荒唐，因为据为我办离婚的律师说：“必须门当户对！”就是说你必须找到与你般配的人。
我又问他，为什么妻子有三百万存款他会感到不安——因为毕竟他现在的生活比他们当初认识时好多了（的确是这样的）。
他说他结婚前并不知道妻子是一个酗酒者。
随后他又点了“杰克酒”和“生姜酒”。
我平时很少喝酒，所以连这两个名字都没听过。
结果我们出去约会时我也喝酒了。仅喝了半玻璃杯，我就比清醒的时候随轻浮得多。之后他又一次约了我。
接下来这次，他自己喝了四瓶啤酒而我滴酒未沾。接下来我开始有不好的预感。
我很清楚他会再次和嗜酒者结婚，因为他就是喜欢那样的女孩。
但是他仍在抱怨，说不相信自己怎么娶了这么不定性的一个人。我想他不会不知道那个人是如何评价他的。我没有跟他说，其实每次约会能喝四瓶酒的人就该嫁给个嗜酒者。只是说：“应该找个门当户对的人！”
我不愿意相信这个事实
但是已成定局，离婚法律顾问为我们办理好了离婚手续。我回去找当时办理结婚的顾问，询问我当时为什么会选择我丈夫。当然，当初爱上我丈夫的原因都还在，只是不明白，为什么要因为某些优点去爱一个人呢？！理由简直太多了，比如，他是一位天才（这是在说我丈夫），或者那人在喝酒后变得很诙谐（我丈夫绝对不是这种人）。
可以通过一个人选择的伴侣来判断他是什么样的人，凡事都有双面性，我们只要明白为什么我们会那么做就好了。我的一个朋友与他妻子结婚的原因是，那个女人缺乏社会经验，他想向她卖弄，很差劲吧？！但是他们还不错。另一个朋友嫁给了一个男性版的“特里萨母亲”，很棒吧？！但是他们最终走到离婚的那天也正是因为，她想让丈夫多关心她，而不是忙于拯救全世界。
所以我极力说明我丈夫有很多优点。我试着把注意力转向于对自己的审视。因为你的伴侣已经给过你太多评价了。
在其他方面也是如此，你的朋友周围大多是俊男配美女，跟胖人在一起也会让你发福，你身边的人对你影响太大了。
对于工作道理是一样的，前任老板总跟我说想雇用A而不是B，因为B不但表现不好，而且总能使团队产生消极情绪。我觉得很有道理，当A看见团队中有B这样的人，他也不会乐意加入的。
所以当你认为办公室里的人的做法很糟糕的话，问问自己为什么会产生这种感觉，而不是到处向朋友传播他们做事怎么怎么糟糕，需要的是自我反省他们错在哪，以防自己也犯同样的错误。
虽然很难避免重复犯同样的错误（这也是大多数二婚容易失败的原因），这就是为什么很多人从一个很差劲的公司跳槽到另一个不怎么样的公司，如果你诚实客观地为你自己的选择负责，你就不会犯那样的错误了。
而我如果能像选择工作那样选择我的伴侣就好了！