What is stopping you from getting what you want in life?
Your friends?
Your family?
A sense that failure – or success – might change your life and that feeling uncomfortable?
A sense that the people around you might disapprove of you aiming for what you want, of you succeeding or failing.
Essentially it boils down to fear. The big roadblock, sometimes the massive wall in the middle of road that keeps you from getting what you want.
How to overcome it? Here´s some useful ways I have found so far.
1. Taking small steps
This is good for fear that can seem overwhelming at first. For instance the strong feeling – it can almost feel like a flight or fight-response – just before doing public speaking or asking someone out for a date. If you´re for instance nervous socially you might not feel able to ask people out on dates right away. The fear of being rejected and that others might think less of you if you get turned down can make many of us feel unable to ask the question.
A solution is to take small steps instead. Steps like first just saying hi to people. Or starting to talk more to people online via forums and Instant Messaging. And then trying to be more involved in conversations to exercise your conversation-muscles. I guess one could say that you gradually de-sensitize yourself to social situations or whatever you are afraid of. Or, seeing it in a more motivating way, building courage and expanding your comfort zone in this part of your life (which is something that often bleeds over to other areas of life too.)
So, identify your fear. Then make a plan with some smaller steps you can take to gradually lessen your discomfort.
2. Getting some concrete, positive motivation
Getting to the stage where you really feel that you need to stop waiting – or need stop reading one personal development book after another – and take action can take some time. One way to get moving is to replace some of your negative thoughts – that creates negative feelings – with clear, positive reasons to get going.
Take 5 minutes. Take out a pice of paper and a pen. And write down all the wonderful ways you can come up with how making this change will improve your life.
Lack of motivation can get you stuck while contemplating how much your life sucks. If you don´t become clear on you motivation it can become hard to get going and knowing why you are actually need to change.
Writing down all the wonderful things you will gain in your life by overcoming this fear can be powerful. Focus on those positive things to get motivated and inspired. Revisit your page of paper when you feel discouraged, uncomfortable or afraid. Even if it loses it´s inspiring effect gradually, it can be the initial trigger to unstick you. The spark to get you started to take those first actions that sends you into an upward-spiral of thought and action.
3. Seeing failure and rejection in a new light
Often it´s easier to not do something because we fear failure and rejection. We may fear failure when starting on a new career-path. And rejection from friends, family and the people around us if we fail. Or we might be afraid of being rejected when asking someone out.
However, as I have written before, the definition of failure we are brought up with in society might not be the best and most useful to have. If you look at the most successful people you quickly notice that they have a different response to failure than the more common one.
They don´t take failure or rejection that seriously. They know it´s not the end of the world if they fail. Instead they look at each failure and see the good part about: what they can learn from it and improve next time.
They have an abundance-mentality. They know that if their first business-venture fails it feels like crap for a while but it´s ok in the long run. They learn from it and then they try again.
If they are rejected for date, do they give up? Probably not. They know that next week or the week after they might find someone else that´s interesting and ask them out.
They know that there are a lot of good people out there. That there are a lot of good business opportunities out there. But they have also learned that to become successful at anything you have to fail perhaps 5, 10, 20 times or more.
The morning of day when you learned to ride a bike you fell of it time and time again. But you just brushed yourself of, perhaps cried for minutes or two and then you got up on the bike again. And towards the afternoon, or the next day, you probably started to become pretty good at riding your bike.
The same applies here. You have work on your skills to sharpen them. See failure or rejection not as something incredible negative that might end your life if it strikes. Redefine it in your mind to lessen the negative emotional impact and the fear. See failure simply as feedback on what you need to improve on. Listen to the advice the failure gives you and you will improve. And success will come.
If you fear what other may think about you if you fail, take a look at Why you should not compare yourself to others for some thoughts on the need for validation from others.
4. Being in the now
What this means is to keep yourself steadily in the now. Not letting your thoughts and emotions run away to the future or the past. That doesn´t mean that you don´t make plans, of course. You might think about asking someone out. You make plans on when to do it or perhaps what to say.
But being in the now means to not getting your mind stuck in a kind of psychological and emotional headspace that is placed in the past or future. It means not dwelling on what has gone wrong before and what could go wrong tonight or tomorrow. Such thinking will only create and ramp up your fear to the point where you feel unable to do anything. And just feel like running away.
Instead, make your plans. Then just be and don´t think about the future. Focus on the now and what needs to be done now. The future will be the now soon enough. And when you´re arrive there it will be much easier to get things done when you have created a minimal amount of stress and fear within your mind.
Whenever you feel fear, your mind is often dragged into a hypothetical, future scenario where you think you might fail. Your brain is over-analyzing a possible situation, which leads for many of us, to a negative, downward spiral of thoughts. This expands and empowers your fear to the point where you become almost paralyzed. So, how do you beat the fear in such situations?
You stop fighting. You surrender.
How to surrender:
Let me explain. By surrender, I don´t mean that you should give up and go home.
Instead, when you feel fear then accept the feeling. Don´t try to fight it or to keep it out (like many of us have learned throughout life).
Say yes to it.
Surrender and let it in.
Observe the feeling in your mind and body without labelling or judging it. If you let it in – for me the feeling then often seems physically locate itself to the middle of my chest - and just observe it for maybe a minute or two something wonderful happens. The feeling just vanishes.
I´ve mentioned this technique in several different articles already. And, yeah, I´m still amazed of how well it works. 
As you surrender to the fear instead of fighting it the negative energy will pass through you and your body will release it. And you can return to focusing on the now once again.
Focusing on the now not only reduces fear but also increases the chances of you succeeding as your mind is focused, your confidence ain´t shattered and your thoughts become clear. It also makes it easier to succeed because when you are in the now you are not that self-conscious – something that quickly can lead to insecurity - but instead focused on the outside world and people you are interacting with.
I highly recommend reading the Power of Now
and/or A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle to learn about more practical advice for being in the now. Both books are excellent and have, for me, been extremely revealing and helpful.
5. Redefining you, me and reality
To change yourself and overcoming fear you have to be prepared and willing to redefine yourself.
You have to be willing to try these things out for yourself and keep practising. No one can do it for you. But if you do that you can make what may seem to you to be big progress pretty quickly. And when you get used to it and these things become more and more habitual you will start to do them naturally.
But since it seems that just about everyone is addicted to their own personality, consistent change in behaviour will still probably be kinda slow and gradual (with some epiphanies).
An addiction to positivity can lessen the fear in your mind of what might happen in a new, unfamiliar situation or how someone might respond to what you are saying. A negative view of the world can create fear and hold you back. But if you, for instance, become more positive – try the Positivity Challenge! - many of the people you meet will respond in a similar manner. In general, no matter how you think about the world, people are often like a somewhat of a mirror for you.
Change will be hard if you deep down still think: I am this shy or negative or scared person. “That´s just who I am”, you tell yourself. “Always have been, always will be”. And will be the truth for you as long as you think it´s the truth. If you are prepared and ready to change, you can however rewrite what you perceive as the truth about yourself and your personality, thoughts, actions and emotions.
Something I´ve recently started to think about and apply is what´s called Subjective Reality. Although I don´t fully understand it yet – I think – basically what it means is that there is no separation on the world. There is no you and I separated from each other (like in the more common worldview many of us are accustomed to).
Instead we are one.
You might not fully understand it or internalize it – I haven´t yet – but just going into a conversation with perspective that you and the other(s) are connected and really just one can be very useful.
When you apply this perspective on the world it’s a lot harder feeling fear. Or being mean or unkind. Just like it´s hard to do those things to yourself. Without the perspective of separation it seems like you – almost automatically - become calmer, kinder, less fearful and more open. It feels like you are naturally connected to the rest of the world.
Steve Pavlina has written a lot about Subjective Reality, so if you want to explore that further I recommend this link.
As for now and for me, I am focusing mainly on numbers 4 and 5. And I believe I´m just beyond getting started. I can probably deepen the understanding and application of those two points for months and years. A replacing such deeply - socially and habitually - ingrained beliefs and ways of thinking will probably take some time.
译文:
五种改变生活状态的方式来克服你的恐惧
是什么东西在阻碍你得到生活中想得到的东西呢？
你的朋友吗？
你的家庭吗？
你会有这样一种感觉吗？对于那些曾改变你的生命的成功或失败，会让你感到不舒服吗？
你会有这样一种感觉吗？你身边的人可能会不赞成你去争取那些你想要的东西，抑或指责你的成功或失败。
本质上来说这些都可以归结到你的恐惧。
怎样来克服这样的恐惧呢？我找到了一些有用的方式。
１把大的行动分解成小步骤
这会使你的恐惧没有象一开始看起来那么使人崩溃。那种强烈的感觉就象是对飞行或争吵的反应——在做公众演讲或者叫某人出去约会之前的阶段。如果你对社交有紧张不安的感觉，你可能会觉得自己不能立刻就叫别人出去约会。是什么让你不能够或者不自信地去询问对方呢？因为你害怕被拒绝或害怕被拒绝后别人对你的轻视。
一小步一小步，从容地来处理在此时便是一个好办法。第一步，你可以对别人说“你好”。或者你可以在论坛上或网络对话上与别人进行更多的交流。然后尝试着使自己沉浸在交谈中，从而锻炼自己的交流能力。我想你肯定会逐渐地使自己融入到那种社交场合或者不管你是否会害怕的场合。或者，你可以把它看作一种更加激励性的方式，它会增强你的勇气，让你在那样的场合觉得很舒服。（它同样也会使你在你生活的其他方面起作用。）
因此，认清你的恐惧。然后把大的步骤分解到小的细节，这样你会使自己原先的紧张感逐渐缓解，达到一个舒服而自在的状态。
２给自己落实一些具体的、积极的意向
如果你已经到了一个让你感觉没必要再等待下去，或者没必要再读一本又一本的个人发展的书，然后你马上行动会节省一些时间。一个让你立刻行动的办法是清理某些消极的想法，它们很容易给你带来消极的感觉，然后你就可以带着积极的、清晰的理念行动起来了！
只要花五分钟的时间。拿出一张纸和一支笔。写下可以改变你生活的所有你可以想到的好的方式。
如果你缺少动机的话你就很可能会在打算你的生活计划时遇到困难和阻力。如果你没有清晰的动机，这将使你无法行动，并且在生活需要你改变的时候，你将变的不知所措。
如果你把你生命中所有向往的东西都都写下来，以此来克服你的恐惧的话，将会对你有帮助。你就会自然而然地对那些积极的东西关注起来，从而激励你，并时时启发你。当你在沮丧、不舒服或害怕的时候，你可以再回过头来看看这些曾经写下的积极向上的文字。即使这些文字已经对你的激励启发意义已经逐渐褪去，但是它还是会在最初的地方打动你，逐渐打开你的心智。那样一种朝气会使你带着向上的精神力量重新开始行动起来！
３以一种涣然一新的眼光来看待失败和被拒绝
通常这会让我们不知所措，因为我们害怕失败和被拒绝。我们将在开始一项的工作的时候开始害怕失败。我们也会害怕随之而来的朋友的、亲人的、身边的人的拒绝。或者在我们想叫上别人出去的时候，我们会感到害怕和担心。
然而，就象我之前所说的一样，自我们生长以来所承认的那种读失败的定义并不一定是最好的或有用的。如果你注意到那些最成功的人的时候，你会发现他们对于成功的定义往往是不同于普通人的。
他们不把失败或者被拒绝看得很重要或很认真。他们知道他们在生命中偶然的一次失败并不以为着世界的末日。相反当他们看待失败的时候，他们往往看到好的一面：他们可以从中学到许多东西并且可以改进和完善自己。
他们有着丰富而完满的心智。他们知道如果第一次的商业冒险失败了，那只不过是拉屎拉一会儿，从长远来说还是好的。他们从中学到了这个道理并且将继续尝试下一次的冒险。
如果他们被约会对象拒绝了，他们会放弃吗？很可能不会。他们知道在下周或者再下周，他们将会找到一些更有趣的人，并且叫她们出去约会。
他们知道天涯何处无芳草的道理。他们也知道还有许许多多的商业机会在前面等待着他们。但是，他们同样也知道，如果想在任何一件事情上成功的话，经历五次、十次甚至二十次或者更多次的失败是必须的。
在某一天的早晨，当你学着骑车的时候，却无数次得从车上摔了下来。但是你只是派派身上的灰尘，也许还会哭上一两分钟的时间，但是接下来你还是会站起来并且重新坐上车。这样下来，当你在接近下午的时候，或者第二天的时候，你很有可能已经骑车骑得相当出色了。
这同样也适用于这里的情况。你必须致力于你的技巧训练并且使它不断锋锐。不要把失败或者是被拒绝看成是一些完全消极的事，也不要把它们看成会使你的生命马上终结的事。你应当重新审视并定义它们，从而打消它的负面影响和恐惧感。你可以把失败看成是你想改善的不足之处的反馈。认真听取失败给你的忠告，下次你将完善和改进，接下来迎接你的将是成功与完满。
如果你失败了，你害怕别人对你的看法，那么你应当想一想：为什么你不应该把自己和别人比较一下，如果你想得到别人的确认的话。
４把握现在
这意味着你要时刻知道自己所处是现在，不是过去，也不是将来。不要把你的想法和感情投射在你的未来或者过去。但是这当然并不意味着你不为将来做打算。你可以想想叫人一起出去。这时，你需要想一想你接下来该做什么或是该说什么。
但是把握现在不是说让你自己沉浸在某中对过去和将来的情感的心理的顶端空间内。它的意思是：不要总想着你过去做错了的事以及你将来很有可能犯的错误上。这样的想法只会产生你的恐惧甚至使你的恐惧更加恐惧，这时候你到达了对任何事都无能为力的状态。此刻你最应该想的是跑开它。
反而，你应当做一些计划。然后不要再想着将来的事了。关注你现在的事以及现在需要完成的事。将来很快就来了。当你到达了这种状态以后，你将更容易完成事情，此时你的心中只产生了一点点的压力和恐惧。
不管何时你感到恐惧了，你的情感就很容易陷入一种高度假想的、将来的某种剧情中，并且你在那里失败了。你的大脑过度地分析一种可能的情境，这会让你进入一种消极的、消沉的状态。这种想法会使你的大脑进入一种极度的恐惧状态并使你感到瘫痪的无力。你将怎样克服这种情境呢？
你就放弃抵抗，投降吧！
怎样投降？
让我解释一下。这里的投降不是说要比马上放弃，然后回家。
反而，当你感到恐惧的时候你就接受这样的感觉。不要试图与其抗争或者持续这种感觉。（就象我们许多人在生活中已经学到的一样）
对它说是的。
你就投降然后让这种想法被你的心灵所包容。
观察这种感觉，但是不要把这种感觉贴在你的心里或者评论它的正义性。如果你让它进来，对我来说，我会觉得它进入了我的心里并且停在我的胸部。你就观察着它，因为过了一两分钟，也许什么神奇的事情就会发生了。那种原先的感觉消失了。
我已经在几篇文章里提到过这种方法了。现在我还是觉得这种方法很奇妙。
当你对这种恐惧感投降而不是对抗，然后让这股消极的能量逐渐通过你的身体慢慢释放了。这样你就可以回到注意现在、把握此刻的状态上了。
时刻关注着把握着现在，这不仅会让你的恐惧感逐渐消失，同时它也会增进你成功的机会，因为你集中关注着它，你的信心让你有勇气，你的想法也慢慢地变得很清晰。把握住现在会让使你更容易通向成功之路，因为它让你不那么敏感——它很快就会使你觉得不安全。相反，把握现在可以使你时刻关注着外面的世界以及与你互动的人们。
我强烈推荐阅读《现在的力量》以及《一个新的世界》，作者 是Eckhart Tolle 。你们将得到更多的可行的关于把握现在的建议。这两本书都很优秀，对我来说很有启迪作用也很有帮助。
５重新定义你、我和现实
如果你想改变自己以及战胜恐惧，你必须准备好并且愿意去重新定位自己。
你必须愿意去并且尝试做这些事情并且不断实践。没有人可以帮你做。但是如果你反复实践的话你会觉得着对你来说意味着一个很大而且很快的进步。如果你对这些事情越来越习惯的话，当你开始做它们的时候，你会觉得轻松自然。
但是，因为每个人的性格都已经成型并且每种性格都很鲜明，行动上的不断的改变可能会比较缓慢。
一种对积极性的执着会使你一些事情的恐惧减少，如在新环境中将发生的事情，或者别人对你的话可能有的反应。一种消极的人生态度会创造恐惧，并且使你怯弱不敢向前。如果你想变得更积极的话，尝试一下《
Positivity Challenge》吧！——你遇到的许多人都会有类似的反应。总的来说，不管你对世界是怎样看待的，人们就象是你的一面镜子。
如果你安静下来思考一下的话，其实改变将会很难：我是这样一个害羞的、消极的或者害怕的人。“我就是这样的我”，你告诉你自己“这常常会发生，这总会那样。”只要你觉得这是真的那么这就会成为真实的。如果你愿意并且准备去改变，你会重新写下你所理解的真实的你，你的性格，你的想法，你的行动以及你的情感。
最近我开始想到了一些事情，我也正在应用着的事情，叫作主观的现实。虽然我还不是完全理解，至少我认为世界上没有分离。没有人相互之间是分离开的。
相反，我们是一体的，是一个整体。
你也许并不完全理解或者接受它。我想说明我的看法，就是你和别人是相互联系的，并且只有一个人将会有用。
如果你应用了这个观点，那么你就很难感到恐惧了，或者是势力，或者是不友好。就象很难对你自己做这些事情。如果你觉得人与人之间不是分离的，那么这会让你自发的变得很平静，很仁慈，少了一分恐惧，却多了一分包容。这就会让你觉得你和这个剩余的世界是相互联系的。
Steve Pavlina已经写了许多有关主观的现实的文章，如果你想继续深造的话我推荐 this link。
对现在来说，对我来说，第４和第５点是我关注的焦点。我相信我正处于一个超前的开始中。我想我很可能会在以后的时间里深入对这两点的理解和运用。但是要用它来替换原来那些深入社会的，成为习惯的种种相信和思考问题的方式，我想那会需要一段时间。