The worst career advice I ever gave was to my brother’s college roommate, Robert Buckley. He was one year out of college when he asked me if he should quit healthcare consulting to become an actor.
I said, No, that’s the dumbest idea I ever heard.
He told me he thought he had talent, and then (like I wasn’t against the idea enough) he told me he was dating some girl he met in Vegas, and she is going to be an actress, and she said that he had talent.
I actually questioned how my brother could be such good friends with someone who was so stupid. I tried to be patient, but mostly I told Rob that everyone in LA has a girlfriend who thinks he has acting talent. I thought maybe his best career move might be to find a girlfriend who was impressed with his healthcare consulting talent.
But really, he did not think he had any future in healthcare consulting. So I became a largely useless advisor to him. And then my brother forwarded me a trailer to Lipstick Jungle and there was Rob: naked, with Kim Raver. And he looked so good. Who knew? And more importantly, who knew I could give such poor career advice?
I think the reason that I gave such poor advice is that I had such strong preconceived notions about the acting career. But I actually don’t know anything about making it big as an actor. I only know that when I played professional beach volleyball in LA we were constantly surrounded by casting agents and entertainment industry types. And I learned that the competition to get anywhere in acting is so tough that you should buy lottery tickets instead.
It’s ironic, though, because I’m a writer, where the odds are not much better. And both actors and writers generally ply their trade because they love it, not because they think the odds are great. If someone asks me if they should become a writer, I repeat the advice I received in graduate school: No. Try anything else first. Writing is too hard.
And I was thinking the same thing with acting: No. Big no. But I needed to adjust my advice. I needed to be able to see when I was looking at someone who could not feel fulfilled if they did not do this type of work.
So every week I watched Lipstick Jungle (I loved it, by the way—for the writing, of course) and I thought about how I could have given such misguided career advice. And I figured out that the hallmark of a bad advisor is to not understand where she is coming from, what preconceived notions she brings to the table.
I didn’t think much more about this until I was in Menlo Park last week for the roundtable organized by Ben Casnocha and Chris Yeh. They posed questions to the group of entrepreneurial types: What makes good advice? What makes bad advice?
The answers were interesting, and each shed more light on why I gave Rob such bad advice. Here are some ideas that came from the group:
1. A good advisor asks good questions. Mostly in order to understand the goals of the advisee. No advice is given in a vacuum. Understand that an advisor can probably give you great tips on how to get to your goals, but really, the hardest part of making any decision in life is understanding your goals in the first place.
So your advisor needs to be very attuned to your goals and where you are in your life. This is why the best advisors ask questions rather than make proclamations. Often a good advisor is more sounding board and less Magic-8 ball.
2. A good advisor is a good listener. Advice is so much about understanding the particular situation that if she is not listening most of the time, then you are probably receiving advice based on incorrect assumptions that actually apply to a different circumstance. But it’s hard to listen when you are a subject matter expert.
In general, all situations sound the same when you give advice to the same types of people all the time. The trick for the advisor is to stop focusing on the similarities, which make her job easier, but to focus instead on the differences, which is more challenging—but makes for better advice.
3. Good advice is not fly-by-night. Advisors are best when they really know you, and they really know the arena where the issues live. So cultivate a relationship with someone who is a subject matter expert, and then he can give you ongoing advice that is relevant to your particular circumstances based on both what you are telling him, and on the relationship that provides a context for your questions.
Wondering how you are going to attract this kind of advisor? Be one yourself. Giving good advice is the same thing as giving a good kiss. You attract what you deserve. Not in a Secret sort of way, but in a way where if you are practicing good behavior then you will attract good behavior.
And, while I hesitate to give advice at the end of the piece about how advice should not be in a vacuum: You usually get in life what you expect to get. So expect good advice. And good kisses. And they will come.
译文:
如何知道别人给了你糟糕的建议
我曾经将最差劲的建议给了我弟弟的大学室友Robert Buckley，他还有一年就毕业了，那时他问我是否应该停止健康护理顾问的学习，成为一名演员。
我说，不，这是我听过的最愚蠢的想法。
他告诉我他认为他有天赋，然后（似乎我反对的不够）他告诉我他和在拉斯维加斯遇到的女孩约见过几次，她将成为一名演员，并且她说他有天赋。
我真的质疑我弟弟，他应该有优秀的朋友，可怎么会遇到这么愚蠢的人呢？我试着语重心长告诉Rob，每个人在拉斯维加斯都会遇到认为他有演员天赋的女朋友。我认为他最好的职业生涯步骤可能是找到一个对他在健康护理顾问方面的天赋有深刻印象的女朋友。
但实际上，他认为他在健康资询顾问方面没有任何未来。所以我成了大无用的建议者。后来我的弟弟发了电影《口红森林》的预告片给我，上边就有Rob,全裸，和Kim Raver。更重要的是，天知道我怎么会给了如此糟糕的职业生涯建议呢?
我认为提出如此差劲的建议的原因是我对影视职业有如此强烈的预见。但我不知道如何捧红一个演员，我只知道那时我在拉斯维加斯打专业沙滩排球时，我们一直被影视经纪人和娱乐行业的人围着。我知道要在演艺行业获得一席之地，竞争是如此的强烈，还不如买奖票。
尽管那个行业是残酷的。因为我是个作家，作家是个没那么多好机遇的行业。演员和作家都会展示他们的技能，不是因为他们看重机会，而是他们爱这一行。如果有人问我他是否该当作家，我要重复上研究生时得到的建议：不，先试着做点别的，写作太辛苦了。
对演艺行业，我也有相同的看法：不，千万不要。我需要调整这个建议，但我要能看到当我在审视某人时，如果他不做这一类型的工作，会感到不踏实。
所以我每周都看《口红森林》（我喜欢它，当然了，是为了写作），并且思考我怎么会给出如此误导的职业生涯建议呢？我明白了，不合格的建议者的标志是搞不清楚她来自哪里，会把什么有预见性的见解带到桌上。
关于这方面，我并没有过多的思考，直到上周参加了由 Ben Casnocha和Chris Yeh组织的圆桌会议。他们对企业家代表提问：好建议来自哪里？坏建议来自哪里？
⒈ 一名好的建议者也是好的提问者
主要是为了理解被建议者的目标。没有建议是在真空里给出的。比起理解一个建议者可能给你完成目标的好建议，最难的是理解你的目标。
所以你的建议者要非常了解你的目标以及你在人生里所处的位置。这就是为什么你的建议者总是问问题，而不是做预见性的强调。通常一个好的建议者更像是被建议者的共鸣板，而不是占卦未来的魔力8号球。
2．一名好的建议者也是好的聆听者
建议几乎是对特殊情况的理解。如果她没弄明白特殊情况，你收到的建议，基于了错误的假设，只适用于另一种截然不同的情况。但如果你是个主题专家，就很难去聆听。
一般说来，如果你总是给同一类型的人提建议，所有的情况都是一样的。对于建议者，秘诀是别把注意力放在轻松找到的相同点上，而放在不同点上，这很有挑战性，但会给出更好的建议。
3．好建议不是半夜飞来的
当建议者真的了解你，他们就是最好的。他们知道了问题所在。所以和主题专家建立联系，他们会通过你告诉他的内容和联系（为你的问题提供了背景），给你一个适应你特殊情况的发展性建议。
想想怎样才能吸引到这种类型的建议者？自己先成为这样的建议者吧！给出一个好的建议就像送出一个甜美的吻，你吸引了你应该得到的。不是通过一种秘密的方式，而是你在哪里有了好的行为，将好的行为吸引过来。
在最后一段，我犹豫是否给出关于建议不能在真空里得到的建议，生命里你会得到你期待得到的，所以期待好的建议和美好的吻，然后他们就会到来。