如何与控制欲强的人打交道

读者: 4866    发布时间: 2008

原文: How To Deal With Controlling People

How To Deal With Controlling PeopleThe first thing to do when you need to deal with a controlling person is understand that the need to control comes from a place of fear, of weakness, not of strength.  A person operating from a place of strength has no need to control others.

The fear that causes someone to be controlling is generally one of two kinds:  fear of failure (if I'm not running everything, then it will all go to pieces) or fear of showing their weakness (if I don't control this person, they will find my weaknesses and control me).  The way to treat those fears differs, although both involve letting go, but this isn't about how to fix someone being controlling, it's about how to deal with them.

Controlling people have a sliding scale along which they place each person they encounter, a scale that runs from vastly inferior to vastly superior, with the very center being those that are unknown.  People on the low end of the scale are safe to manipulate, while those at the high end are to be obeyed (and maybe even feared).

People are placed on this scale (and moved on it) based on their behavior... if your behavior shows strength and confidence, you move up the scale, but if your behavior shows weakness and uncertainty, you will move down it.  Much of this behavior is subconscious, and is even shared with many types of animals.

The girl in the picture, for instance, is clearly showing her submission... leaning away, head tilted downward, eyes raised and barely able to look at the man.  The man, on the other hand, is showing aggressive, dominant behavior... leaning forward to look down on her, teeth bared, finger in her face, etc.

There is also a place between these two extremes... your behavior can show your dominance without being aggressive.  If you stand with your back straight, confidently meeting the eyes of whomever you encounter, speaking strongly and clearly, then you will come across as being high on the scale, without having to be a jerk (though being a jerk to someone who is controlling can often place you above them on their scale, it is a temporary placement... they will not respect you, and without respect, they are simply looking for a way to maneuver around you to a superior position).

If you want to stop someone from controlling you, then, you need to adopt behavior which shows them that you are higher on the scale than they consider themselves (or so strong that you actually are off the scale, but that's much harder both to learn and to do).  You can easily figure out what that behavior is by mentally picturing someone of strength and confidence... picture them standing, moving, and reacting.  The behaviors you picture are the ones that you should aim to adopt.

When you first change your behavior in this manner, the controlling person's first reaction is often to try to drag (usually through guilt) or push (often through angry reactions) you back down the scale to where you were.  Don't back down, though... even if you don't feel the confidence you're projecting, their very reaction shows that you are having an effect, and when you understand that, and that they are indeed seeing what you are projecting, that itself can cause you to grow into that very confidence.   In people behavior and attitude are interdependent:  as your attitude changes, so does your behavior, but the reverse is true as well... as your behavior changes, your attitude slowly follows.

The new strength and confidence that you find as you change your behavior can help you across all aspects of your life, too... it may give you the confidence to ask for a raise, or the strength to do something about the state of your relationship.

So, in parting, I'll leave you with a small list of things that can help you project that image of the strong, confident person that you want to be:

  1. Stand Up Straight

  2. Meet People's Eyes Directly

  3. Speak Clearly And Strongly

  4. Don't Back Up When People Invade Your Personal Space

  5. Don't Fidget

    And a mental one:

  6. Every Time You Think Of Failure, Think Of Success

More detail on that list may be forthcoming in another article in the near future.

译文: 如何与控制欲强的人打交道

 

How To Deal With Controlling People      当你需要和控制欲强的人打交道的时候,你首先要明白控制欲来自于恐惧、软弱,而非力量。强大的人从不需要控制他人。

      一般说来,有两种恐惧会引起人的控制欲:一种是对失败的恐惧(“如果我不操纵每一件事情,那事情一定会变得支离破碎”),另一种是对暴露他们自身弱点的恐惧(“如果我不控制别人,那么别人则会发现我的弱点而控制我”)。消除这两种恐惧的方法不同,虽然都包含着顺其自然,不过,我们这里讨论的不是如何纠治控制欲强的人,而是如何和这种人打交道。

      控制者有一个可调节的标尺,用以衡量他们遇到的每一个人。从比他们弱得多的人一直到比他们强得多的人,这一标尺都有标示,正中间是他们不了解的人。对于处于尺子下面一端的人,控制者会很放心的操纵,而对于尺子最顶端的人,控制者则会言听计从(甚至可能会感到恐惧)。

      控制者根据人们的举止将他们置于标尺的合适位置,并加以调整……如果你表现的强大和自信,你就会位于标尺的上端;但如果你表现的软弱或不自信,你就会处于下端。你的举止多是潜意识的,甚至和很多动物类似。

      例如这幅照片上的女孩明显表现出了她的顺从……她向后倾斜,低着头,目光低到仅仅可以看到对面的男人。而另一方面,那个男人却显得咄咄逼人,处在支配地位……他向前倾斜,向她俯视,呲牙咧嘴,用手指着她的脸,如此等等。

      在这两种极端的人之间,还有一种人,表现出支配地位,却并不咄咄逼人。如果你站得笔直,自信地看你所遇到的人的眼镜,说话清晰有力,那么你就会被置于标尺的高处,而不必非得做笨蛋(虽然做为一个笨蛋,控制者会将你放在高于他们的位子,但这只是临时的……他们不会尊敬你,他们仅仅是想找个办法控制你,以便爬到更高的位置上去)。

      如果你想阻止某人控制你,那么,你得采取行动向他们表明你应该处于比他们想象的更高的位子(或者,你已经强到超过标尺的刻度范围了,但这太难学也太难做了)。通过在头脑中想象一个强大自信的人,你可以容易的想出来应采取何种行动。想象他们站立的姿态、举止和反应,你所想象的行为即是你应采取的。

      当你第一次根据这一行为改变曾经的行为方式时,你的控制者的第一反应通常是试图拖住你(经常是通过犯罪)或是打压你(经常是通过愤怒的反应),让你回归你在标尺上原本的位置。但你不能退回原处……即使你没有你计划的那么自信,他们极端的反应显示出你正在尝试,当你明白这一点,明白他们的确看到你的变化,你就会变得像你的计划中那般自信。人们的行为和态度是密不可分的:当你的态度改变了,行为自然改变;但反之亦然……当你的行为变了,你的态度也会慢慢随之改变。

      你在改变行为的过程中所获取的新的力量和自信也会帮助你跨越人生的方方面面……它会让你有信心要求加薪,或是赋予你改变你与他人关系状态的力量。

故,在结束前,我要给你一份小清单,这上面罗列的事情有助于你成为你希望成为的那个强大、自信的人。

站直

直视他人的眼睛

言辞清晰有力

当他人入侵你的个人空间时,不要退缩

不要烦躁

还有一个心理上的建议:

每一次当你想到失败的时候,也想想成功

关于以上的清单,也许我不久将在另一篇文章中加以详细阐述。