Each week Michele Borba answers your parenting questions right here on her blog. If you have a parenting problem or question leave a comment on this post and you may have yours answered next week! Lindsey said:
Hi - I have a 4-year-old who is very shy in new situations. He is great at home or in places he knows, but around new kids, people, and situations he shuts down for quite a while. We try to encourage him and tell him we know it can be a little intimidating, and that may or may not help. What can I do to help him? Thank you! Lindsey- Thank you for your question. Here are a few tips from my book
Nobody Likes Me, Everybody Hates Me, to help your shy kid gain confidence in social settings. I have one of these critters myself so I know where you’re coming from. Hope these help.
- Give warm up time. Shyer kids need more time to warm up. They usually hang back at first and “watch” so let him. He’s soaking up the information and gaining confidence. Don’t push. Big mistake. Instead show him the “first thing he can do.” (Like go to the puzzle, find the swing, walk to one friend). And don’t (please don’t) label your child shy. Studies at Stanford University found that though shyness is usually the temperament our kids are born with, LABELING them shy can become self-fulfilling. (One of my kids was shy and whenever someone used the term in front of him I switched it. “No, he’s very cognitive.” Everyone begin to think he was in the genius category – but it saved his self-esteem
- Encourage eye contact. A simple but important skill to teach a shy child is eye contact. First, because it will make your child appear more confident (shyer kids generally hang their heads down and look timid—because they are) and second, because it’s a skill that well-liked kids use. It will help your child gain social confidence. As you’re talking with your child teach one rule, “Always look at the color of the talker’s eyes.” By consciously reinforcing the skill and modeling it regularly, your child will soon be using eye contact. Tip: If your kid is uncomfortable about using eye contact, tell him to look at the bridge of the speaker’s nose. With a few practices, she usually no longer needs the technique, and will look more confidently into the speaker’s eyes.
- Rehearse social situations. Prepare your kid for an upcoming social event by describing the setting, expectations, and the attendees. Shy kids are more anxious. Their little hearts are beating and the fear factor is high. Then help him practice the FIRST thing he can do when he goes into the birthday party (give the present to the mom; say hi to the birthday boy) etc. Later you can add how to meet others, table manners, basic conversational skills, and even how to say good-bye gracefully. Just remember kids learn new skills best by SHOWING not TELLING. So role play over and over and over the skill.
- Practice skills with younger peers. Try pairing your child with a younger child for brief play periods (a younger cousin, neighbor, or one of your friend’s younger kids). It will help your child feel more comfortable and practice new skills that can be intimidating with more “mature” kids.
- Arrange one-on-one play opportunities to build social confidence. This is a time when your kid invites only one child over for a couple of private play hours to get to know one another and practice friendship-making skills. Siblings should not be included and television viewing should not be a play option.
All the best!
Michele Borba
译文:
问与答：5个帮助害羞孩子的小贴士
每周，Michele Borba都会在她的博客上回答你们养育孩子的问题。如果你有什么养育孩子的难题或疑问，可以在这里留下评论，下周会收到答案！
Lindsey说：
你好，我4岁的儿子的儿子在新环境里总是很害羞。他在家或者他熟悉的地方都表现得不错，但是在陌生的环境下，在陌生的人群周围，他就很久都不说话。我们试着鼓励他，告诫他，我们知道这有点逼他，但也不知道这起不起作用。我们该怎么帮他呢？谢谢！
Lindesy-感谢你的提问。我的书《没人喜欢我，所有人都讨厌我》里有一些小贴士，可以帮助你害羞的孩子在社交圈里获得自信。我也有这样一个孩子，所以我知道你的困扰从何而来。希望对你有所帮助。
给与热身时间。害羞的孩子需要更多的热身时间。他们通常会先停在哪里“观察”一下，就让他们去吧。他正在吸收信息，获取自信。别逼他，这可是大忌。而是应该让他知道“首先他能干什么”。（比如去猜字谜，去荡秋千，去找朋友）并且不要（请不要）把你的孩子贴上害羞的标签。斯坦福大学的研究表明，害羞通常是孩子天生性情的必经过程，给他们贴上害羞的标签只会自我应验。（我的一个孩子过去很害羞，只要有人在他面前说害羞这个词我都会换话题“不，他很有想法的。”所有人都开始觉得他是天才型的——不过这确实挽救了他的自尊心。
鼓励眼神交流。一个简单而重要的教导害羞孩子的方法就是眼神交流。首先眼神交流让你的孩子看上去更加自信（害羞的孩子通常低着头，看上去很胆小——因为他们确实很胆小），再者，眼神交流是出挑的孩子用的技巧。这会帮助孩子获得社交自信。和孩子聊天的时候，教他一个办法“看着说话者眼睛的颜色”。通过有意识地加强这项技巧，并且经常模仿，你的孩子很快就会使用眼神交流了。贴士：如果你的孩子觉得用眼神交流不舒服，叫他看着说话者的鼻梁。实践几次，她通常就不再需要这么做了，而会更自信地看着说话者的眼睛。
排演社交环境。通过描述社交的场景、预期和参加者，为你的孩子准备好即将到来的社交大事。害羞的孩子更加紧张。他们的小小的心跳得很快，恐惧因素上升。那就帮助他实践当他走进生日派对时能做的第一件事（例如把礼物给主人的妈妈；和生日的男孩打招呼等等）之后你可以再教他怎样和他人见面、餐桌礼仪、基本会话技巧，甚至是如何巧妙地说再见。记住，孩子们学新技巧的时候，展示比告诉更有效。所以，一次又一次地实践这个技巧。
和小辈一起练习这些技巧。试着把你的孩子和年纪更小的孩子配对玩耍（一个弟弟妹妹，一个邻居或者是你一个朋友的孩子）这会帮助你孩子感觉更加自信，和更加“成熟的”的孩子一起练习新技巧会很有压力。
安排一对一玩耍的机会来建立社交自信。这时候，你的孩子只邀请一个孩子一起亲密地玩耍一段时间，来了解另一个人，来练习交友技巧。兄弟姐妹不在此之列，看电视也不该成为玩耍的选择。
祝您愉快！
Michele Borba