When someone does something to you to intentionally hurt you, it can make it much worse than if they were to do the same thing accidentally. When speaking of mental wounds, part of the reason for this is that you feel like there must have been something about you that made them want to hurt you.
That is almost never, quite possibly actually never, the real cause. The real cause is nearly certain to be the internal pain that they feel from something in their own life... it could be something from early childhood, or it could be something from earlier today, but the desire to inflict pain on someone almost always originates from your own pain.
Think back to the last time you did something to intentionally hurt someone, even if it was very small. What were you feeling at the time? It wasn't sweet, sugary feelings of happiness and love, was it?
You may not have thought directly of pain... you may have been angry, or jealous, or some similar emotion. Those feelings only come from pain, however... you don't get angry, for instance, without feeling that someone has done something wrong to you.
The same is true of others... no one truly does things just because they enjoy inflicting pain. Even if it seems that way to them, THAT feeling in turn is caused by some pain from their past.
That doesn't mean that their actions are justified, by any means... it's still wrong to hurt someone intentionally, regardless of how badly you've been hurt in the past. Your own pain isn't a valid excuse for inflicting pain on others.
On the other hand, once you realize that the harm comes from the pain of another, it does make it far easier to forgive them, and somewhat easier to not take hurt from the actions in the first place, even when they are intended to cause pain. It takes away their power, because you realize that they are attacking from a place of weakness, not a place of strength.
And it's amazing the amount of relief that you feel when you truly forgive someone... it takes a lot of energy to hold a grudge.
Try this, when you have a chance: Think back to one of your hurts that you carry with you... it doesn't have to be a big one, but it could be if you choose. Now think about the person who caused that hurt, and picture them as having done it because they were lashing out from their own pain (a feeling the vast majority of us are familiar with). Let yourself feel that feeling, the conscious knowledge that you are saying or doing something you don't really mean because of your own hurt, and then understand that whatever they did came from a similar place, that they had just as hard a time controlling it.
It changes the way you feel about it a lot when you look at it that way, doesn't it?
译文:
为何伤人——只怪伤痛
当有人对你做了一些事伤害你，同样的事情，有意比无心要伤的更深。谈及精神创伤的时候，部分的原因就是你感觉，一定是你出了什么问题，让他们想要伤害你。
这个几乎从来不是，事实上非常可能不是，真正的原因所在。真正的原因几乎可以肯定，是他们在自己生活中的一些事所受到的内心伤痛。它可能是早期童年的一些事，或是发生在今天早些时候。但是这个施以别人痛苦的渴望通常都是来自你自身的伤痛。
回想下上一次你故意做些事情来伤害别人，即使只是很小的小事。你那时是怎么感觉的呢？那不是幸福和爱的甜蜜感觉，不是吗？
你可能没有直接想到痛苦。你可能或是恼怒，或是嫉妒，或是些诸如此类的情绪。然而，那些感受都是只来自于痛苦。打个比方，若不是感觉有人对你做了坏事，你是不会生气的。
对于别人来说也是一样。没有任何人做些事情真正仅仅是因为他们享受给别人以痛苦。即使他们是这样觉得的，这种感受也是由他们过去的痛苦所致。
无论如何，这也不意味着他们的行为是正当的。故意伤害别人仍然是错的，无论你过去被伤的多深。你自己的痛楚不是伤害别人的好借口。
另一方面，一旦你认识到了伤害是来自别人的痛苦，原谅他们就变得容易的多了。多少也让不首先从这些举动里受伤变得容易了，即使他们是故意造成伤痛的。这剥夺了他们的力量，因为你认识到他们攻击出自软弱而不是强大。
而且当你真正的原谅别人的时候，内心的解脱感是惊人愉悦的。怨恨太耗精力。
有机会的时候，试试这个方法：回想一个你曾受过的伤痛。不需要是很大的，但也可以，随你的意。现在想想造成伤害的人，然后在脑中形成画面，他们这样做是因为他们想甩脱自己的伤痛（这种感觉我们大部分人都熟悉）。让你自己感同身受，认识到你所说所做并非有心，只是因为你的伤，然后就理解他们做的任何都是出于相似的境地，他们经历了痛苦的时光来控制它。
这样看事情让你的感受改变了不少，不是吗？